I may have tripped, but I have not fallen.

I was really distracted when I sat down to do my devotions this morning. I was so tired because I had been up late and had to be up early for my new classes. My door was open so I could hear the voices from upstairs floating down to my room and I just was not focusing like I should. I opened up my Bible and read the verse. My thoughts froze. I reread it. It was like God was subtly speaking right to me.

"If the LORD delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumbles, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand." Psalm 37:23-24

I've been praying and thinking a lot about my mess ups in the past and about my relationship with God, and I've even gone as far as to realize that I may be punishing myself, chiding myself, for all the times I've backtracked and fallen on my face. This morning it was like God was telling me that even though I thought I had fallen time and time again, it was merely stumbling, because he catches me each time I trip. It was as if he was reminding me that I am seeking him, maybe not as whole-heartily as I should, but I am and he wants to help me get there.

I know it probably sounds strange and a bit confusing. I'm not doing the greatest job of explaining myself. I read this verse this morning and realized that God is rooting for me. He watches my steps and helps me through the hard times. He catches me when I'm about to fall.

My life is far from perfect, my faith mirrors that as well, but I'm not a lost cause. I'm not as far off as I think I am. God's grace and mercy go much further than I've ever realized. I'm embracing this verse as my lesson from God today. Each day is a new chance to get closer to the one who loves me irrationally, but completely, unlike any other person in the world. Today I am choosing to embrace that opportunity, and hopefully every day after.

Carpe Diem

So, my brother graduated yesterday. It was so strange going through the motions with him and realizing I never had a moment like his. I was sitting in the stands like I did for the 3 classes before mine in high school, but this time I had family among the blue and white. Benjamin was recognized time and time again throughout the service for his outstanding academic, athletic and other extra-curricular achievements. The icing on the cake was listening to them read off his list of accomplishments as they named him salutatorian of his class. I don't know if anyone in my family had a dry eye for that one. It was so special being there and listening to the amazing-ness that was the L-S class of 2011.

I was living vicariously through them for the evening.

I didn't attend my high school graduation.
I "graduated" in January of my senior year to pursue a dream I had since I was in middle school. I went to a Youth With a Mission (YWAM) Discipleship Training School (DTS) for 5 months. I sat in a classroom and learned about God and all that he has for my life as well as had daily chores and things to do to help build my character and teach me about myself. I then spent 2 months in the Pacific Islands of Fiji and Samoa putting into practice the things I learned. I had the time of my life and wouldn't trade it for anything ...
... even graduation.

But it's still so tempting to play the what if game, or at least the ... I wonder what it would have been like ... game. I was never recognized in my graduation. Last night, there were 5 students who graduated in January as well and each one was acknowledged. It wasn't so in 2008. I was merely lost in the chaos. I am glad for those students who were able to achieve their goal and still be part of their graduating class. I like to think that my experience may have helped with that. Sometimes it's just sad to realize you were forgotten.

Overall, the ceremony was beautiful. It started out scorching hot, but as the sun set, it turned into a beautifully serene evening. It was an exceptional class that graduated last night and the ceremony to bid them, as well as several administrators, farewell was no different.

Each year we learn something new. Heck, each day we learn something new. That's the beauty of life and learning. I hope that I never forget to look for the lesson that life is so apt to teach me each day.

Graduation is just a milestone, not an ending, not a beginning, but just a sign that you've made it this far. Life continues for thousands of more miles; I hope that I have and will continue to embrace each one ... Carpe Diem.

Dating and Waiting on God

We're in the day and age where it is totally acceptable for a girl to ask a guy out.

But what if you're a girl who wants the guy to ask? What happened to wanting to be pursued?

For instance: There's a guy that I've been chatting with for the past few weeks. He seems cool, but I don't really know him. I would love to be like "hey! Wanna grab some coffee and chat?" but the last time I did that, it didn't go over so well. Also, the last guy that I legitimately liked I never got up the nerve to do it because of all the times I screwed up in the past.

When I was younger I consistently made a fool of myself. I would "ask guys out" (we're talking middle school here) on a whim and not care how it made me look. Well, I've learned now that I looked pretty stupid. I've changed, at least I hope that I have. But now I think I'm afraid to do anything. Like I don't even want to hint at the idea of grabbing a coffee or anything for fear of repeating my past.

Plus, if I am the one asking then how does that work with waiting on God? I'm just wondering when my time will come, and if there's anything I can do in the meantime.

I'm not worried about the right guy coming along; I know that God will bring him at the right moment, but I'm just wondering. What if he has brought the right guy along (I'm not saying this guy is the right guy, I'm just talking in general now) and I'm too worried of making an idiot of myself to take a risk and do my part? I've been scarred by my idiot moves in the past that now I just want to passively sit and watch life go by and wait for *the guy* (whomever he is) to do all the work.

Is it okay for me to ask a guy to grab coffee with me? Is it okay for a girl relying on God, to ask a guy out? I feel like I've been so focused on this in the past and not repeating history that I'm deaf to what God's telling me about this. It's like I'm trying to make up for my past mistakes by not even going anywhere near the situations in which they occurred (even if now they may produce different results).

Am I punishing myself or just being cautious?

Oh the wonders of being a girl ... haha. =]

Memories and Revelations.

I can't believe that in less than a week my brother graduates from high school. I feel like I'm finally starting to build strong relationships with my siblings and now I'm about to lose one. Out of the three of my siblings Ben is the one I'm farthest from, relationally speaking.We chat over homework sometimes or when we have to go somewhere together (rarely does that happen), but otherwise we pretty much keep our distance. He and my younger sister have a really tight relationship that I often envy because when I was little I was the one who Ben wanted to hang out with and now I'm the last person.

Benjamin is a role model through and through. He is salutatorian of his class and headed to an honors college in the fall. He could major in whatever he wanted to, and who knows what he will actually decide. He was named co-captain of his high school varsity soccer team when he was a junior and leads worship at several school and church-related functions. He's the laid back cool kid that everyone wants to be friends with.

And I'm his lame sister who moved home and lives in the basement.

Sometimes I wonder where things went wrong. When did we stop being friends? When he moves out, will I hear from him besides at Christmas and Thanksgiving? Ben's his own individual, strong, independent and not afraid to drop you if you're annoying. He's the brother that I would quickly call my big brother because I look up to him more than a lot of other people even though he's almost three years younger than me. No one knows this but he's often the one whose approval I seek most, but I hardly ever get it. It's an understatement through and through, but I'm going to miss him when he heads off to college in the fall ...

My little brother's all grown up.

Bad endings.

So I'm gonna be a girl here for a moment or two ... just a warning.

Okay so I really don't get movies/stories that don't have happy endings. Seriously. Don't you think they would sell better if they had them?? Of course there are movies based on real life in which life didn't have a happy ending, okay I get that, or the weird creepy movies that their only point is to be weird and creepy. Okay I get that too, but movies that have romantic themes woven throughout or comedy movies, like seriously, would it kill someone to have the two people end up together, like for sure no guessing end up together? I know I know. Leave it up to the imagination or let the viewer decide, blah blah blah. When I watch a movie I don't want the credits to roll with me saying "what?! that's the ending??" Errr. It just irks me.

That's all I have to say on the matter ... =]

Toasting the Future.

Today I closed a wonderful chapter in my life. I said goodbye to IU13 so that I can put my all into becoming a great teacher. I will miss all of the wonderful people, opportunities and experiences I found while working there. Sometimes it's hard to say goodbye. ♥

This was my Facebook status Friday afternoon. At the time, and even now, three days later, there is still a bittersweet feeling lingering in my heart. I loved my job at the IU, and ever since I moved home, it has been a part of me.

But ... it's time to move on.

I am anticipating a lot of changes in the very near future. My brother graduates from high school in just a little less than two weeks. He will be going to school about an hour away, but no longer having him around the house will be strange. My youngest brother starts high school in the fall. I was looking at old pictures the other day and remembering how small and hilarious he was as a toddler. The hilarious part hasn't changed much, the the small thing definitely has. My sister will be a junior in high school next year, and although the coming year looks potentially uneventful in her arena, life often has a way of surprising us in exactly those moments.

And that's just the changes happening with my siblings ...

Something new for me (besides not having a job at the IU anymore) is actually being in a legit high school classroom. I've never functioned as a "teacher" in a public (or private for that matter) school before. It's always been at the IU with adults, but here is the opportunity I've been dreaming of (literally) since I was a kid. I'm really excited to take on this new role in my life. Hopefully I can learn to become at least half as great as the amazing teachers I had while growing up.

And that's just the beginning ...

Right now, this experience of being in a classroom that is headed my way, is the biggest item on my radar. I am sure there will be more changes this year to come, in fact, I would bet on it, but right now, I just can't see them. And that's okay. I look forward to new challenges and awesome experiences, even if they do sneak up on me (which I am sure that they will)!

So, if I were making a toast, I would raise my sparkling glass and say, "Here's to new adventures and not knowing all that's headed around the corner! May we take each moment and learn from it!"

Busyness versus Hurrying

This weekend I went on a no technology retreat with my 20-somethings group at church. The message Saturday night centered around busyness versus hurrying (basically) and he basically asked us to look at our life and see what it looked like. Most of us realized that we hurry through our day and come to the end and are not able to rest appropriately because we still have a million things cluttering our mind. To be busy and manage it well usually gives us a feel of accomplishment and it allows us to get everything done and feel good about it. Hurrying forces us to skim over things and not give any one thing our best effort. We jump from one priority to the next and even things that are supposed to be enjoyable become a chore.

Well, today I can say that I seriously feel that i took what could have been an insanely hurried day and turned it into merely a busy one. I felt like I mastered all that I did and I enjoyed it. At the end of the day I didn't feel extremely exhausted or discouraged that I didn't do my best, I actually felt great! Finding the balance in everyday life, for me, seems to be the difference between just getting by and soaring.

I've had to make a few changes lately, and I'm not going to lie, I'm not really all for them, but I know they need to be done. My priorities have been shifted a bit and I've even had to drop a few things. I'm learning that to really succeed with my schedule, there needs to be a balance and sacrifices.

I'm really excited for what's ahead. Like REALLY excited. I interviewed at a school today for an internship position for next year and I had a blast. Despite their decision, I will be in a school for all of next year, and not just for student teaching in the Spring. I feel like I'm finally moving in the direction of actually becoming a teacher instead of just floundering in classes. I'm so excited for this opportunity.

I also had two exams today, one before and one after the interview. Now, I obviously won't know my scores until later this week, but I was really quite satisfied with how I felt coming out of them. I probably didn't blow them out of the water, but I feel good about it.

I think a big part of how you feel about your day depends on attitude. Choosing to have a positive attitude can make all the difference. Situations can be crappy, but if you have a positive attitude (not fake-positive, but just positive) things will go that much better. At least that's what I think =]