Oh hey, remember me?

So, yes, it has been a really long time. Like over a month. So weird.

Anyway, the irony in the matter is that I am facing at this very moment the exact same thing I was dealing with when I wrote my last post. I don't know if I want to teach anymore.

I spent too much time today playing the what if game and staying inside my head, when in reality, this whole thing here ... yeah, not about me. It's about the kids I teach on a daily basis, the impact of me in the classroom has on their lives. It doesn't matter if I like it or want to do it forever or not, they deserve my very best.

I was reminded tonight that I don't have to figure out a year from now, heck, I don't even have to figure out a few weeks from now. All I have to do is take one day at a time. God promises to see me through. I know he hears me, I know he listens and he's there working in my life, guiding me through every moment. That's all that's important. The book of Matthew says something important. He quotes Jesus as saying "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." This is the verse I keep reminding myself of today. Don't worry about tomorrow; it will work out. Just focus on today and get through it. God will take care of the rest!

What if ...?

So, what if I don't want to teach?
What if what I always thought I wanted to do really isn't what I want to do anymore?
What if I don't know what I want to do?
What if I do know what I want to do but I'm too scared to figure out how to make it work?
What if what I really want to do goes against everything I ever really thought I wanted to be?
What if I want something more?

I don't know if I'm scared because I'm finally coming into my last semester of college and I'm afraid I can't do it, or if I really did miss it before and no longer want the same things that I did when I was younger.

Tomorrow is exactly 4 months before I graduate from college. It's time to start seriously evaluating the question of "what do you want to do when you graduate?" I think I'm more frightened than I ever thought I would be. Or maybe frightened isn't the right word. I think I'm feeling my insecurities -- I think I may be "feeling" too much.

There's this program I looked into that allows you to teach overseas for a period of time yada yada yada ... and I really liked it and wanted to pursue it, but that was back in the summer. Now, as I get more and more emails from them highlighting their programs and encouraging people to apply, I'm not sure if the timing is there. It's something I've wanted to do ... and something I still want to do, but maybe not right away. I think what the biggest issue at the forefront of my freaking out is that I can't really apply until like May. In my perfect little head of mine, I was hoping to have a plan set and in place by May -- I think I'm a little too high strung.

But all my life I've had a plan. I've known exactly what I wanted to do and the timing I wanted to do it in and although little details change here and there, pretty much I've had the same picture in my head for years. Now, although I can still see that picture, I don't know if I like it so much anymore. I have different desires, different passions. I think I'd still love to teach, but in what context? Where does writing fit in? How about a family? I'm laying here freaking out because I want to do what I'm most passionate about, and I don't know what that is anymore. Two of my three ideas I can control, I can decide to pursue, the other one, well you kinda need two people to make a family.

I can't believe I'm finally growing up. Seriously, I'm scared out of my mind and if I were a swearing person there is a phrase that fits this situation much better, but to stick to my morals I'm going to refrain -- but I'm sure you get the idea.

I just read this amazing book about this amazing girl who's doing amazing things that she loves and I'm thinking to myself ... I want to be like that. I want to know for a fact that I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing, something that I love and something that I can have an influence on. I know God has a plan and a purpose for my life, I'm just wondering if the path is taking a sharp curve in the near future.

Oy. Sorry for the rant, I just needed to get that out.

Season 2 at Pawn Starz

The first thing I do after the door is unlocked while my uncle is resetting the alarm is run to the thermostat. It's different now that it's winter. Instead of turning the fan on and dropping the temperature, I frantically push the up arrow until the screen reads 70 degrees. I wrap my sweater just a little bit tighter as I walk to the back and unlock the two interior doors and reach over golf clubs and cardboard boxes to flip on the lights. Keeping my jacket pulled tight around me, I make a round through the store, making sure everything is still in its somewhat chaotic order. I check my DVD's -- my project for the few short weeks while I'm here -- all in place, no spaces left between the cases.

Through the door, I see the green pick up truck pull into the parkinglot. Jerry's here; time to open. Lester saunters through the door with his oversized sweatshirt, beanie cap and smile already on his face. "Mornings" are exchanged as I flip the closed sign to Open! Reaching over the new ATM, I pull the tiny chain to light up the purple and green neon sign. I wander back through the side aisle, past the golf video game and flip on the case lights. With customers already pulling open the door, it's time for my coat to come off -- unfortunately.


At 11:30, the thermostat still hasn't reached its designated 70 degrees, but we've had several sales, and even bought some gold. The TV's on the table are blaring stories of sports events and happenings as they prepare for one bowl game or another. Red Bulls are popped, first round of cigarrettes smoked, so now we wait for the early afternoon rush.

The guys here have become a family: Jerry, Steve, Lester, Jason, Uncle Doug and now Jenny's been added to the mix. Each has their schedule, their responsibilities and work together in unison, keeping the shop running smoothly and effectively. I miss these guys when I go home. Lester occasionally tags me in some pictures of the shop and I get this kind of homesickness feeling in the pit of my stomach while I anxiously await the next time I can skip, tightly bundled or not, into the store and prepare for yet another day spent at Pawn Starz.

4 years ...

So in complete and total honesty, I cannot believe the semester is over ... well one week of finals and then over. Tomorrow is my last day with my sixth graders until the middle of January and it feels like just yesterday I was getting ready to meet them. My mind is completely baffled at the thought that I made it through the ginormous check list, rigorous syllabi and the hours of preparations/assignments, and now all that stands in the way of "complete" are 3 somewhat large projects.

Wow.

I was thinking back to my Freshman year at Grove City earlier today. I never thought I would be here looking back on it. When I look in the mirror often I think, "there's no way that girl is a senior in college." I just remember looking at seniors and thinking how grown up, how mature, how put together they were -- and that's not how I feel at all. I don't feel grown up, I don't feel mature enough to be in charge and I certainly don't feel put together even in the least!

How did I get here? 6 months from today (or, tomorrow actually) I will be graduating college. I know that sounds like a long time, but looking back over my past 8 6-months, it doesn't feel that long at all. 4 years ago I was preparing to graduate high school and attend YWAM. 3 years ago I was finishing finals and heading home to choreograph an audition for the Spring Dance Show. 2 years ago I was looking ahead to my first class at Millersville, praying to God that I had made the right decision and that this university would be better than HACC. Last year I was prepping for a difficult few semesters, leveling with myself that I would have to be in school longer than necessary. Now, here I am, 4 years later looking ahead to the next step.

Student Teaching.

Don't get me wrong, I have a few jumps, leaps, and sprints before I get there, but I'm so close. And shortly after that comes the next huge phase in my life:

post-graduation.

But I'm not going there ... yet.
They say time speeds up when you get older. Well, let me just say, if it gets any faster than this, there's a good chance I'll wind up with whip lash. Hopefully even with the speed, it's still as enjoyable as it has been. =)

Happiness is ...

I can't take the credit for this; it was not my idea -- but I ran with it anyway =)

I wrote this in response to a note on Facebook that one of my friends had posted. I've reworked it since then and really like it. It's not an exhaustive list by any means, but it's a start. Feel free to add your own thoughts in response.

And feel free to run with it ... as I did. =)

Happiness is …

Millions of stars on a lost island so bright you never need a flashlight; the whisper of the moon telling me something greater is out there. It’s summer raindrops patterning the sidewalk; the cool fall breeze that smells like apples and pumpkins; the bright white of snow not yet disturbed by little feet.

Happiness is …

Gliding along the dance floor with only the music as company. It’s knowing that you worked hard for something worthwhile. It’s creating art from nothing in a world where it’s quick to be forgotten.

Happiness is warmth.

It’s an old blanket passed down for generations that smells like Nonna’s house. It’s the aroma of biscotti, a twist ice cream cone with sprinkles and a cherry on top. It’s mini golfing, golf cart riding, and midnight swimming on our “very own vacation” to Memaw’s.

Happiness is …

The love of a family you hardly see but always know is there. It’s the sound of laughter around a table, a guitar and voice on a clear evening. It’s the company of friends, good food and fine conversation. It’s summer nights that never end surrounded by people who are family by blood or laughs, love or conversations. It’s late night trips to diners, inside jokes and taco bell well past midnight.

It’s the hug of a mother, no matter how old the child. It’s a familiar voice echoing on the telephone line. It’s the dream of forever love; the sweetness of chocolate mixed with cherry by the fire. It’s sweet child voices calling your name, singing songs of love. It’s finding joy in the simple things.

Happiness is peace.

Peace with self, peace with the world, peace with God.

It’s standing back and knowing that for one instant, the world is good and right for a change.

I turn 22 in 10 minutes ...

I turn 22 in a matter of a few minutes ... in fact, I probably won't finish typing this before the clock strikes twelve.

Twenty-two. Seriously, I cannot believe it. In some ways I feel so much older than that with all of my experiences and dreams and goals in life. But most days I can't seem to fathom that I've been alive for twenty-two years. Where does time go? How does life manage to fly by so quickly that blinking causes you to miss months at a time?

I've been so blessed in my life with my family, friends, opportunities and experiences. God has been good to me. I'm excited to take on this new year of life. It will have many firsts and milestones, I am sure ... graduating from college, first time walking at graduation, first real job, possibly first apartment or moving out, first set of bills, first time actually living like an adult ...

Wow, 22, you seem like a lot to take on, but I think you'll be worth the challenge ...

Poetry Aloud!

Alright. Well, this one won't be long as it is already late and I am exhausted from the week. It has been a very interesting, very busy past seven days. I went to a concert in Philadelphia on Sunday to see John Mark McMillen, Chris August, Gungor, and the David Crowder Band. We didn't get home til close to 1am that night and I taught the next morning. Then throughout the week, I had a bunch of stuff due and had several responsibilities that kept me out fairly late. I think I was up til 2:30 or so another night and after midnight probably the rest of them.

We did a good deal of fundraising this week for two of the clubs I am in. All week there was a table set up on campus with information and selling "grab bags." Thursday night we had a Denny's fundraiser and then tonight we had a Poetry Aloud! program downtown in Millersville's 42 N Prince Street Building.

I read two original pieces this evening and then I also competed in what is called a poetry slam. I understood it as a "performance" of an original piece. I was under the impression that we were to memorize the poem and then perform it "dramatically" with our voice. I had such a blast. I am posting the videos below so that you can check them out if you'd like. =)

This video (above) is the Slam Poem. It is called "Shades of Gray." I wrote this poem in two parts. The first part came last April on a rainy day. I was people watching and it inspired me. I wrote the second half this past Tuesday night, in the dark, at 2:30am (on Wednesday morning) after finishing a paper.

This video (above) is of the reading from the Poetry Aloud! program. The two pieces are called "Writing on the Walls" and "Paper." "Writing on the Walls" came about one day when I was writing some poetry in my bed, and while I was working through a block, I had to restrain myself from writing on the sky-blue wall right in front of me. "Paper" came about as I pondered my insane habit of doodling and writing on my exposed skin.



I hope you enjoy listening to my poetry. I love writing and I love sharing it. Hopefully it brings you as much joy as it brings me =)