15 May 2011

A new kind of restlessness ...

I just want to feel like my life is making a difference. I don't know why, but lately I've just been feeling insignificant, like I'm not doing enough to make a difference in the world. It's as simple as I don't have someone to love/take care of and so I feel as though I'm doing nothing ... all the way to as complex as I'm not changing the world so what am I doing?

Okay that probably didn't really make sense. Here goes an explanation ...
I'm a mother at heart; I care genuinely about those around me. I feel as though I'm not really "caring" for anyone right now in any sense really so I'm feeling kinda down. Also, it's like major baby season. I know like 10 people who either just had a baby, are having a baby or just found out they are pregnant. It's ridiculous. My favorite dream in life is to be a mother, so that just adds to the blahness right now.

On a more complex note (to switch to the other end of the ellipsis) I want to change the world. It will probably be simply by changing a few lives here and there, but still, it will be a change. This week I just feel like I've done nothing to advance that. I feel as if my work and daily routine have been pointless in the grand scheme of things. I'm getting restless and I have no idea how to combat that because it's a weird kind of restlessness one that won't be satisfied unless I'm doing something "important."

We had a guest speaker at church this morning and he was talking about Generation Y and what he deems iY. I won't go into it, but I basically learned a lot about myself today. Like the fact that I want to change the world and probably have more of an empathy to do it that my younger siblings. It just kind of showed me a little bit as to why I've been feeling like this, but not totally. Anyway, the guy was awesome. His name is Tim Elmore and I really look forward to reading some of his stuff on the current and upcoming generations.

So ... I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do about this blah feeling, but I will say, this helped a bit. I'm hoping that it just came from the fact that I was off school this week and extremely less busy than normal. If it's not, well then I'm not quite sure how I'm going to fix it, but I'll find some way.

One thing I know is, God knows how I'm feeling. He knows why I'm feeling this way and how it's all going to turn out. So for now, I'll just trust that He knows what's best and that it's all part of His plan.

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