A new kind of restlessness ...

I just want to feel like my life is making a difference. I don't know why, but lately I've just been feeling insignificant, like I'm not doing enough to make a difference in the world. It's as simple as I don't have someone to love/take care of and so I feel as though I'm doing nothing ... all the way to as complex as I'm not changing the world so what am I doing?

Okay that probably didn't really make sense. Here goes an explanation ...
I'm a mother at heart; I care genuinely about those around me. I feel as though I'm not really "caring" for anyone right now in any sense really so I'm feeling kinda down. Also, it's like major baby season. I know like 10 people who either just had a baby, are having a baby or just found out they are pregnant. It's ridiculous. My favorite dream in life is to be a mother, so that just adds to the blahness right now.

On a more complex note (to switch to the other end of the ellipsis) I want to change the world. It will probably be simply by changing a few lives here and there, but still, it will be a change. This week I just feel like I've done nothing to advance that. I feel as if my work and daily routine have been pointless in the grand scheme of things. I'm getting restless and I have no idea how to combat that because it's a weird kind of restlessness one that won't be satisfied unless I'm doing something "important."

We had a guest speaker at church this morning and he was talking about Generation Y and what he deems iY. I won't go into it, but I basically learned a lot about myself today. Like the fact that I want to change the world and probably have more of an empathy to do it that my younger siblings. It just kind of showed me a little bit as to why I've been feeling like this, but not totally. Anyway, the guy was awesome. His name is Tim Elmore and I really look forward to reading some of his stuff on the current and upcoming generations.

So ... I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do about this blah feeling, but I will say, this helped a bit. I'm hoping that it just came from the fact that I was off school this week and extremely less busy than normal. If it's not, well then I'm not quite sure how I'm going to fix it, but I'll find some way.

One thing I know is, God knows how I'm feeling. He knows why I'm feeling this way and how it's all going to turn out. So for now, I'll just trust that He knows what's best and that it's all part of His plan.

Friday Night anti-activities

I'm beginning to find that my life is following a very ridiculous pattern. It seems that I am crazy during the weeks and even more so on a typical Saturday and Sunday, but Friday night -- oh boy. Nothing. It's like I am a freight train powering down the tracks at top speed but then out of no where, the break lever is pulled and I slam on my breaks, screechingly coming to a halt.

I literally feel like I'm going crazy on Friday nights. Too much of a change of pace is not something I handle well. The insanity of the week met by the complete emptiness of Friday nights is both depressing and annoying. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a bit of down time, but to have absolutely nothing to do in the midst of my ridiculously crazy life is like a splash of cold water -- throws me off and makes me feel like my life accumulates to nothing at the end of the week. So strange.

What makes it worse is when my *younger* siblings have plans -- the siblings in middle school and high school, with or without licenses, out traipsing about and I'm at home literally watching a Criminal Minds marathon. I'm too cheap to go sit in a theater by myself and too bored to call every person I know until I find someone who will agree to hang out with me. The pointlessness of the situation glares at me with every tick of the clock in the living room.

Here's hoping the rest of the summer breaks this lovely pattern that my life has so wonderfully fallen into.

Fun in the Kitchen

I love cooking. Sometimes it takes too long, but when I have the time and I'm not starving, I love making food. Tonight I made arroz con pollo, which my dad fondly calls "rice and chicken." I told my sister and mom that I think this is quickly becoming one of my favorite things to make, but it takes soooo long. I subscribed to Rachael Ray's magazine as well to get sweet recipes and good ideas. I love watching Food Network (but I'm picky about what chefs I watch) and I've taught myself a lot just from observing.

The one problem I have with cooking is I get bored easily. So I tend to get into a rut for a while and make the same thing over and over, but then I decide I don't want to make that anymore. I also never have time! Ugh. That's the stinky part about class schedules sometimes -- I don't have time to be fun and creative. I came up with this pasta dish one time. It was soo good! Spinach, tiny shells, chicken and Parmesan cheese with milk, butter and laughing cow wedges. Delicious! It's just fun to experiment in the kitchen. It will be fun when I get my own place to cook for myself I think, or when I get married to cook for my family.

I try to cook for my family now but it can be hard because often times we just piece together items (like chicken and vegetables), but that gets boring. Also, we're hardly ever all home to enjoy a meal together. Plus, we have varying tastes and preferences in my family. It's rare to find a dinner that everyone likes (but arroz con pollo seems to have managed to win that award for now). I guess if I had more time, I would do it more often, but like I said, it's hard most days.

My dad makes incredible jambalaya. A few years ago he was on this cooking kick and would make all kinds of awesome meals. We would watch Emeril on Food Network and imitate his famous BAM! while we were cooking. I think I picked up my hobby from him. I almost spent my last year of high school and the Career and Technology Center in their culinary arts program. I seriously would love to go to a culinary arts school and learn the trade. I think it would be a lot of fun, but I have to finish this degree first before I can ever hope of heading elsewhere. It would be awesome to actually learn all the skills involved with cooking. Whether it would take all the fun out of it, I'm not sure, but I think it would be worth it. Rachael Ray always seems to have a good time in the kitchen, so why shouldn't I?

The end is within sight!

Wow, it's been a while. The semester is finally over, although grades are not posted yet. I'm a little nervous, but it's in God's hands at this point ... I'm taking the one week break before my summer classes start to relax ... and work. I have a book that I want to finish and some Shakespeare that I want to start before I have to read it every night. I have a bit of cleaning to do as well. It will be nice to not have to be out late (unless I want to of course) and to just focus on life for bit. But soon enough, I'll be back in the classroom studying and all-consumed with work.

Speaking of the classroom, I am really excited for some possibilities for next year. I can't wait to actually get into a school and start the final steps in the process of becoming a teacher. I can't believe that (hopefully) in a year I will be graduated! I look back on life and see just how far God has brought me. I finally am at a place where I don't despise my decision to transfer to Millersville (nothing against MU itself, it's just not Grove City). The light is within sight. There is a lot of hard work and long hours between now and then, but I'm ready. For the next year, school is first -- I may not be very happy about it at some points, but I will be so glad when I reach the end.

So for now, I will relax, and then it's back to the grindstone. I can do this! =]

Reading: Enjoy the Ride.

Well, I  had another reading tonight. It was a lot of fun and there were A TON of people there ... almost didn't have room to move. I was really nervous tonight though. The poem I read I literally finished barely an hour before I was to read it. I had written it during a night class this week and hadn't practiced much at all. I hardly ever rhyme in my poetry, but in writing this one, I wanted to find my rhyme, to find my rhythm. I didn't really like it at first -- it felt extremely Dr. Seuss-ish, but it's growing on me... Here it is, for your enjoyment and mine ...

Enjoy the Ride.

Being a woman

Both blessing and curse

Most days are fine

But some days much worse

Than each waking morning

I’d rather be snoring

Than putting on make up

Or becoming who I’m not

Instead of telling myself

Go on, you’re hot

You’re cool, relax,

You’re only going to school

So why then the heels? Who is there to impress?

Why not wear shorts

And take off that dress

Forget mascara, don’t straighten your hair

Tomorrow may bring you to a new some where

You’ll never get to, not unless

You break away

Forget the stress

Remember you’re beautiful

No time for a tool

No time to be someone other than you

So get up, get going

Do what you can to start your hoping

For something beyond what you find in today

When you were a child you used to play

You used to dream and wish for the stars

Now you can do it

You have your own car

Go on, get moving

There’s no need for mooning

Over what was, what is or who you could be

Embrace it, remember

You are the powerful she

Who does what she can

And takes nothing from man

Own person own pride

You will someday be bride

But until then, forget it

Dream big and don’t sweat it

Your time will come but why not embrace

Do what you want don’t try to save face

Now go on why still standing

The world is your oyster you should be dancing

One day you’ll remember who you used to be

And that day the urge to want to thank me

Will be so overwhelming you will track me back down

But when you find me, I’ll ask, am I just a clown?

Did I tell you anything

You did not already know?

Did I show you for instance the first time snow?

No!

I told you to simply just be you

Go on now get out and enjoy the view

You’re welcome; go on, I will not be hurt

Only never forget that you are much more than dirt.

Live your dreams and dream to live

Do not be afraid to reach out and give

Now look at you! You’re on your way

Don’t you worry and don’t suppress that yay

That represents all that is now set free

Keep on going and you will see

Every door will open and every window too

You don’t have to be afraid to just be you

Enjoy yourself and enjoy your life

Explore the dreams beyond being a wife,

A mother, a friend, a student, or girl

You can leave home now and see the world

See Italy or France, Argentina or Peru

The world is yours to create your own view

What can you do unless you try

Oh don’t be afraid and don’t you dare cry

You may mess up, you may come to regret

But if you give me a chance, you know, I’ll bet

You enjoy every moment, live your own life well

And when you come to the end, I bet you’ll tell

Everyone around you how great it was

When you finally branched out, forgot the buzz

From those who said you couldn’t do it or fail

So glad you didn’t take the time to scream or wail

Your life wasn’t perfect, you’ll say with a sigh,

But think and remember with a glisten in your eye

How nice it was to find yourself

Finally putting your worries up on a shelf

Yes, you were once small and cute

And occasionally, yes, you wanted to puke

But you saw the world and you enjoyed your life

You finally knew the freedom from the fear of strife

At that very moment you’ll think of dear me

And remember this lesson I’m telling you to be

Nothing more than yourself and nothing less than you

Once you start you’ll be glad that you still do

Dream big and reach for those stars

Feel the breath in your lungs and the beat of your heart

So with that as your drum you’re headed off on your trip

Remember to take a deep breath and just get a grip

Then head on out you’ll love it I swear

And remember with just you, it doesn’t matter what you wear

Just be you and quickly you’ll see

That in absolutely no time at all you will be

Giving this same advice

Just

like

me.

Enjoy the ride.

The busyness is temporary.

Wow. So it's been a week. I've had several ideas for a post, I just literally did not have time to do anything but homework lately. Tonight finally comes with a few moments with my head above the water. This is seriously the busiest semester I've had as of yet, although with Junior block and student teaching ahead, I'm sure it will not remain in that spot for long. I'm learning a lot this semester though, which is good. I don't just mean about the subjects I am taking, but I mean about myself, my work ethic, my priorities, etc. In intense situations, your true colors tend to show themselves.

As a testament to how crazy I have been, I am actually almost falling asleep as I type this. I've been too busy to even see how tired I am. Wow. Life can be extremely interesting at times.

What's to come ...
Well, this is the last week of classes of the semester, finals are next week and then I have a week off (woo hoo!). I start two summer classes the third week of May for four weeks, then another week off and then four more weeks of classes. I will finally have a summer come the middle of July. Surprisingly, I am actually looking forward to the summer. I think I just want to get the classes over with so that I can legitimately only have one year left in school. I can't believe how fast time flies. It feels like I've been in school forever, yet my time here at home seems to have just flown by. This time next year I will (hopefully) be graduating and applying for jobs. That's a whole other post in itself.

So, theme of the post: I am ridiculously busy, but it's all worth it because it is all temporary and in a year I will be done! Yippee! I can do this! Yeah!

Overcoming stress ...

There is something about life that once you think you've mastered a lesson, you're thrown right back into a situation that is infinitely worse than the situation you just went through. In consequence, you are forced to apply what you thought you just mastered.

This weekend, I felt as though the world was collapsing around me. My parents are out of the country and so even though my grandma was playing "babysitter," I still felt like I had to be responsible for my siblings; I had a ten page paper due on Monday that I wasn't able to wrap my head around Friday, Saturday, or Sunday, and I found myself treating deadlines merely as suggestions as I wasn't able to function enough to give them their proper respect. On top of all of that, I realized Sunday afternoon that I had made a huge detrimental mistake the previous Monday in a class where anything less than perfect is usually unacceptable.

I discovered something about myself in the midst of all of this chaos. When I encounter stress that is literally all consuming, my body just shuts down. Literally, I had no energy and no brain power. I could not comprehend anything. I would be doing research for that 10-page paper and would understand nothing that I read. It was all I could do to not think of the situation for more than 2 minutes.

I remembered my previous post at that point. Nothing in this life is certain, steady, or constant but God. He is the only thing/person I can depend on to be never changing. It was in that time this weekend that I had to remind myself that no matter what the situation, God is always in control and knows exactly what he's doing.

Thankfully, I made it through with my head intact. I still have much to learn and much to do as the end of the semester is here in full force. Somedays it's all I can do to get up in the morning and just say, "God, today is yours. No matter what happens, I know I'm in your hands. Be with those who are in situations worse than the one I am in, because in retrospect, I am still extremely blessed."