Call my name ...

So, I have something different for you tonight. I really want to start sharing my writing pieces with y'all and get your feedback, if those of you who read it are willing =]. So here goes. This is a piece I wrote for class this week. I hope you enjoy!

Call my name…

Each moment, every day, my ears await the sweet sound of your voice singing the syllables of my name. From your lips it would be dew, a melody new, with a sense of remembering.

Every hour, my head turns in search of the source to simple words like “yes” and “guess,” but they alone leave the stale impression of forgotteness. My shoulders slouch under the weight of disappointment; my head following to stare at the ground.

Call my name – just one simple syllable.

Form your tongue and lips to make a J and throw some air through your vocal chords. Now shift your tongue just a bit to sound the e then put your teeth together for the ss --. That’s it! Just three little sounds -- such a sparkle amongst plain words.

My name in your voice is the soundtrack to my dreams – waking me with hope and perking my ears whenever you’re near.

Just call my name

         and I’m – completely -- yours.

Motherhood? Not quite.

I realized something very important tonight ... as much as I would like to be, I am SOOO not ready to be a mother just yet.

The conversation started in my Teaching Writing class, before the period actually began. A bunch of us were talking about kids and it somehow lead to cleaning up their throw up. I still call my mom to clean up my own puke so there is no way I am able/ready to clean up someone else's. Then I headed to church where I worked/played with the 2 and 3 year-olds tonight. I got myself into a kind of sticky situation. I both conquered and took a step backward in my (for lack of a better word) fear of taking kids to the bathroom. The first few were fine ... they knew what they were doing, but then I gave into the protests of the youngest of the children (whom I knew was still in diapers). I took him to the bathroom line, assuming that when his turn came, he wouldn't really have to go. Well, his turn did indeed come and there he stood, standing in front of the toilet, waiting for me to help him. What was worse was that he had to "poopy." Yeah.

I helped him out of his toddler jeans only to find the he didn't have to GO poopy, but in fact had already done so in his diaper which I dropped on the floor, not quite sure what to do with it. I set the little boy on the toilet and panicked. Fortunately, one of the other helpers who had a young brother in the class tonight came to check on me, as well as my best friend who watches kids on a regular basis.

"I don't know what to do!!!" I cried, without the tears. They took over and all I did was pick up the diaper off the floor and throw it immediately into the trash can. I barely could manage that. Later, the other little boy (whose sister came to my rescue in the bathroom) laid a poopy in his diaper too. It smelled worse than the other one ... I couldn't take it. I grabbed both trash bags and immediately took them to the dumpster. That is the extent of my handling dirty diapers, it seems.

So moral of the story, so not ready for motherhood quite yet (you know besides the whole not married or even in a romantic relationship and still in school side of the coin). It was an eye opening night and one that I think came just in time, before I got totally carried away in baby love with the cute little boys in the class ...

God knows me so well! =]

Sleeping Habits!

So, good news! I am no longer taking the awful medicine that was reacting so horribly with my body. The only (somewhat) downside to this is that I was so used to being extremely drowsy by 9pm, that my body is no longer tired until much later than is really reasonable for me to go to sleep. I've found myself searching facebook and other sites just for something to entertain myself with until I was sleepy enough to call it a night.

Tonight I decided to look at this time a bit differently. It's nice to have some time after a very long and crazy day to unwind and catch up on some homework and writing/reflection. I'm finding I am more productive in this hour and a half than I have been all day. My parents are asleep and if anyone is awake it is my brother who is up doing the same thing as me -- school work. I've always said I work better at night, and here it is ... proof! Haha.

I just wonder when it's all going to catch up to me. I remember my first year of college. I was away at school and somehow I had gotten into the habit of not starting homework until about 11pm. I would shack up in the student union starting around 8 or 9 (whenever my commitment for that evening was over) and I would socialize for an hour or two and then go at it. I am a procrastinator through and through (but a planner as well ... explain that one to me!). I wouldn't get back to my dorm until about 3am each night. I would be up bright and early the next morning for class and do it all over again ... second semester got a bit better ... but it was probably due to the fact that I was so physically active that I literally could not stay awake that late on a regular basis.

I tell you all this to say that I would work myself into the ground during the week and then I would TOTALLY crash on weekends and breaks. No wonder my body is so screwed up. I think it is important, especially at the young adult age to establish a schedule for your body to adjust to. I know it's so much fun to run around at all hours of the night ... believe me, I LOVE it! but really, without some sort of regularity, my body just doesn't work like it's supposed to.

So, for now, I'm listening to my body and adjusting to my new schedule ... for now. I will probably spend most of my weekend napping or watching movies. Each day, it's a matter of looking to God for my strength, no matter how much sleep I get the night before! =]

A Time to Write

I just finished putting all my writing pieces from this semester into one writing journal. It feels good to finally be organized. I'm taking a class this semester entitled Seminar in Teaching Writing. It is far from what I expected when people were telling me about it. I feel like I'm entitled to write, not just teach writing. I'm learning things about being a writer that I never knew before. I'm beginning to see myself as a writer -- a thought that led me to creating this blog.

It's great to go back and look at past work that I've done. It's also nice to be able to have all my writing in one spot so that I can go back and see what topics I've written about a lot and where my focus is -- see from where I've come. I have a bad habit of starting a journal, writing one page in it or one entry, and then never picking it up again. I thought it would be interesting to have for this semester one journal for class and one for pleasure. Well, I'm finding that the two are intermingling much more than anticipated. So I decided to combine the two ... for now. I still have all my original pieces in my hobby one and photocopies in the one for school. I'm sure I'll come back to the one for free time in the future ... I can't resist blank pages =].

Writing is such a joy to me -- another reason why I started blogging. To feel like I can get my thoughts out of my head and down on paper, it helps to clear my head a bit, and it's fun to create and combine words together in patterns never seen before. God gives each of us joys and gifts and one of mine is definitely writing. It's a way to relax, a way to unwind, a way to just be me. Time is precious; I count it such a blessing when I have a time to write! =]

Show me your friends ...

The journey of friends through life is an interesting one.

When you're a child, your friends are the children of your parents' friends.
When you're school aged, your friends are the kids in your class.
When you're a teen, your friends are those in your extra curriculars and other activities.
When you're in high school, your friends are those whose schedules match up with your own.
When you're in college, your friends are mixtures of new and old, school and social, from the most random of compilations. Guys and girls, adults and kids, those related and unrelated. In college you choose the friends you will remember for life.

I can define the eras of my life based on my close friends. My best friend jumped from girl to girl as I grew older, my acquaintances grew in number with my age. There were seasons when I was friends with just guys, friends with just girls, now it's a mixture of both.

Now, more than ever, my friends have influence over me. Being an "adult" now with freedom in most areas of life, the people I surround myself with determines my attitude, actions and even thoughts and ideas. I thank God for my upstanding Christian friends. They are such a blessing in my life. Too many adults don't have the positive influences in their lives that they had when they were younger and so they find themselves swayed with the crowd in a direction they never thought they would go. It is important to be cautious of the friends you make, of the friends you confide in.

As my father, pastor, grandfather, and so many other wise people around me say, "show me your friends and I'll show you your future." Now more than ever, I see this is true.

Bless the Lord, oh my soul.

I realized something today that Job must have understood through all his trials and tribulations. Even through our pain and discomfort, God is in control and has a plan for our lives, a good, pleasing, and perfect plan. Just now, as I type this, I am reminded of a lesson I learned the hard way a few years ago. The Lord never gives us more than we can handle.

Thank God for Jesus who died to take our sins so we may be reunited with the Lord. In the midst of a horrific and painful day, I found myself not challenging God, but thanking him for his mercy. Without him, our lives would be horrible every day, but through him, although we are not guaranteed perfection, we have the hope of something far greater than this world.

I thank God today for his love, grace and mercy, without which I would be nothing. Despite anything we may go through here on earth, God is just and gracious and loves us with an everlasting love that we may never truly understand. No, I would not prefer to have everyday be like the one I just went through, but I would like to be walking in God's plan for my life, whatever that may be.

There are so many people on this planet whose lives are far worse than mine. I think I can handle a bit of discomfort and pain for one day ...

Bless the Lord, oh my soul, bless the Lord! No matter what I am going through, bless the Lord.

Slumber ...

Last night was rough.

I fell asleep early and didn't move.

My sister says she yelled in to me,

over and over and over again.

Still, I did not wake.

My computer lay beside me,

stuck in the world where I left it

when my eyes closed.

My cell phone proudly shouts the time

as I click it

once, twice, three times

to be sure of what it says.

I was unconscious for more than an hour.

Three hours before I typically fall asleep.

If elephants

or hyenas

would have held a race around the room,

I doubt I would have noticed.

Each moment,

so precious,

a drop of diamond dew

in the hour glass of my dreamland.

I awake with fuzzy eyes

and heat beneath my stomach.

The electric blanket on high to warm me.

The TV still moans on the channel I left it

as my eyes drifted shut.

No memory exists

of what I watched

for the few moments my eyes were open.

Stumbling down the stairs,

I hug my mom

and bid my family goodnight.

I sulk down the wooden flight

until I reach the cold cement bottom.

A few short steps and I am within my cozy cave.

I lay my computer in its place,

set my phone on the shelf, its alarm set early,

turn off the light

and snuggle under my quilt,

pillow squished under my head.

My dreams begin to play upon my eyelids.

I fall asleep

 and

do not move.

Kids are the cutest things =]

I love working with the kids in church on Sunday mornings. Every second Sunday of the month during the second service I help out in the 4 and 5 year old room. The kids are the funniest, sweetest kids. They make me laugh so hard and I come out of there feeling like I've taught them something.

4 and 5 are the critical ages in a child's life for learning things that will stick with them, or create habits for the future (or at least so I've heard). Helping them to understand that God loves them and wants to have a relationship with them is such a crucial element for that age.

The kids are hilarious, so creative. I can be funny and goofy and not feel like they're judging me. They don't worry about what people think of them or if their idea is way out there. They are just themselves and they expect you to be too. They tell you stories about their baby brother and ask if their drawing is the best. They imitate animal sounds with you and pretend to do whatever you ask them to pretend. They learn your name and remember it and giggle when you know theirs too. I don't think I could teach this age every day all day long, but one or two Sundays a month and some times in between is just the perfect combination! =]

Sibling Love

As a big sister, it's always interesting watching my siblings grow up. Deciding to move home and go to college here was a challenging decision, but because I can be around my family, one I'm thankful that I made.

My brother is a senior in high school. We were close when I was younger, but grew distant as my life caught up with me. Being home now it's nice to see him (for the few moments he's here) and know what's going on in his life. He started playing guitar a few years ago and often serenades us with his practicing. Him being a straight-A student, and me maintaining my crazy schedule we're often the last two up at night. We've had a few good brother-sister moments. I'll definitely miss him when he heads off to school in the fall. Thankfully, he'll only be about an hour away.

My sister is on a date tonight. She turned sixteen in September and this is her first real boy picks her up and drives, they're not really dating, but might be someday soon kind of date. She's always been a social butterfly and sometimes she gets hurt because of it. For her especially, I am glad that I am home in this season of life. It's nice to have big brothers, but there is nothing like an older sister to help you get over a break up or a rough day at school.

My youngest brother is in eighth grade and just recently came into his own. He's a good head and shoulders taller than me and a star basketball player. He's easily teased about girls and laughs right along with us. Of the three of my younger siblings, he is definitely the one most like me, not only in appearance but in personality as well. Because of that, we fight more than we should, but we can also have a good time fairly often as well. It's scary to think my baby brother will be in high school next year.

I love my family. They are the best part about my life, hands down. I am so proud of my younger siblings. They have vision and love the Lord more than life itself. I thank God for the time I have with them, even if it's just a short while before they (or I) head off on our own separate adventures.

The *Joys* of Medication

So, I've had a very interesting year and a half, medically speaking. The end of April will mark the 2 year anniversary of busting my ankle. I say "busting" because still to this day, I don't know what actually happened to it. May 14th will mark the 1 year anniversary of my ankle surgery ... and that's just the beginning.

I'm currently on two medications. I feel entirely too young to be taking not just one, but two prescriptions on a regular basis, but such is life. One of said medications I take once a day before I go to bed and it allows me to function *normally* the next day ... meaning, for the most part, clear thinking and no fogginess or headaches (although that's starting to be debatable). I've been successfully taking this prescription for roughly a year after trying to go without it for a while and failing miserably.

The second medication I just started a month ago. It's a muscle relaxer to help with my extreme tenseness and spasticity (if you know me, you should be laughing right now). Its side effects have surely taken their toll on me! Dry mouth like a horse in the desert and drowsiness like a fat man in summer. I have to create special circumstances so these lovely tag-alongs don't interrupt my day too much. Here comes the situation: my dose is supposed to double this weekend. Now, it sounds like no big deal: increase from 4mg 2x/day to 8mg 2x/day, but let me just illustrate this for you.

My alarm chirps at 5am. I fumble for the orange tube that sits beside my bed. I grab a tablet, throw it in my mouth and reach for the water bottle. I try not to spill any and swallow the chalky substance in one take. I go back to bed (hopefully). I get up and go about my day, sometimes not able to spit the toothpaste out of my mouth due to lack of saliva. If my meds cooperate, the morning's a breeze, but when 6/7pm rolls around and it's time to take pill number 2, it's a different story. I start to enter dream world around 8:30 (which typically is in the middle of something extremely important -- like class). The lights get swirly and my eyes cross trying to stay open. My words slur and I tend to not remember things (no alcohol involved, mind you). About an hour and a half later (if I'm lucky) I'm back to normal. Sometimes, I just give up and go to bed.

That's just with 1 pill at a time. Tomorrow I start taking 2.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for their relief (I'm actually quite serious), but just warning to anyone I may come in contact with for the next few days ... I may not make much sense, or, even less than usual ... =p

Butterflies in my stomach

So, you know that feeling you get when you're nervous? That butterflies flying, elephants stomping, kinda feel like you're going to throw up kind of feeling? Some people hate it, others, like myself, thrive on it. It's an adrenaline rush, and those adrenaline junkies, like me, can't seem to wait for the next hit.  Now, I'm not a mega junkie -- as in, I wouldn't risk my life just to feel my heart beat, and in actuality, in the moment, I'm not always a big fan. Shaky hands, giddy laughs, quick paced glances to the right and left, along with the urge to run to the bathroom every second the clock ticks are not always the nicest feelings in the world.

I often find myself in situations where I just have to laugh. I have no reason and no idea why I'm nervous sometimes. I just excited over little things apparently. The thought of seeing a cute boy, the impending conversation coming from a superior, a spectacular set of plans for an evening ... all of these are often enough to get my skin jumping. It's strange how our body works that so many outside things can inflict such a physical reaction, and sometimes they aren't even outside sources, sometimes they're all made up, in my head.

When I write I get excited. When I come up with a really good idea I get excited. When I daydream I get excited. The body is not reliable to tell you what's actually going on. "The heart is deceitful above all else," is often a verse I have to force myself to remember. Emotions can get you into trouble. How many times have I listened to my emotions and regretted it later?

Next time you get butterflies in your stomach, ask those butterflies "Why, oh butterflies, have you decided to take up my stomach as your home? Isn't it much nicer outside?" Maybe, just maybe, they'll listen and you will no longer be affected by those pesky flutterbies ... if not, enjoy them, but don't do anything they tell you to do! =]

A fool for love ...

To have a crush is a complicated ordeal. You have to decide if he's worth the doodles and daydreams. You have to pick daisies and pluck each petal one by one to find out of the fates will say if he loves you or not. You must weigh the option of telling him your deepest secret against the chance of looking like a fool in hopes that he'll return the favor. In middle school, you got friends to ask him about you to see if maybe he has a crush on you too. You don't want to be vulnerable. If he's a friend, it's even more complicated. You don't want to ruin what you have, but you're always hoping for more.

I wrote this little section earlier today as just something to write. Then I came home and decided to watch the latest episode of Glee (I have classes on Tuesdays which force me to miss this hilarious teenage pleasure) and it was a Valentines Day episode -- thus encouraging further my inspiration for today's post.

I was always one to let love make me a fool, and it's been a resolution of mine (before the new year, mind you) to not allow that to happen anymore. I let my emotions run high in school, often ignoring my mother's guidance of 'girls don't ask boys out' and feeling like an idiot afterward. Having a crush can be fun, but like I indicated above, it can be quite complicated.

So, partially inspired by Glee and partially just by my own brilliant thoughts (ha!) I'm deciding to NOT focus on Valentine's Day this year, and just embrace this time God has given me to be single. Yeah, sometimes it's not as fun, but other times it's wonderful! =]

A coffee order can tell you a lot.

"Hi! What can I get started for you today"
"Hi. Yes. I'd like a grande, non-fat, green tea latte with 2 pumps regular syrup and two pumps of raspberry please."
This is my current drink whenever I manage to squeeze some Starbucks into my life. Now, I could go into detail about what each part means, but I'm going to let you figure that out. Here's what you do need to know about me:

1. I'm a girl.
2. I like to write.
3. I will use any excuse to write.
4. I tend to be a bit dramatic.
5. What I write is never true to real life -- what fun would that be?
6. I am a dancer by heart, but not by practice.
7. I like to have fun when I write, or at least feel like I figured something out.

Lastly, I want whomever reads this to enjoy it. I'm really writing for me, but if you read it, yay. I can always use an extra set of eyes. I can't really predict what will become of this lovely little site, but we shall see. I look forward to the journey ... me and my keyboard ... and you, if you are so daring to splash in puddles alongside a writer =].