4 years ...

So in complete and total honesty, I cannot believe the semester is over ... well one week of finals and then over. Tomorrow is my last day with my sixth graders until the middle of January and it feels like just yesterday I was getting ready to meet them. My mind is completely baffled at the thought that I made it through the ginormous check list, rigorous syllabi and the hours of preparations/assignments, and now all that stands in the way of "complete" are 3 somewhat large projects.

Wow.

I was thinking back to my Freshman year at Grove City earlier today. I never thought I would be here looking back on it. When I look in the mirror often I think, "there's no way that girl is a senior in college." I just remember looking at seniors and thinking how grown up, how mature, how put together they were -- and that's not how I feel at all. I don't feel grown up, I don't feel mature enough to be in charge and I certainly don't feel put together even in the least!

How did I get here? 6 months from today (or, tomorrow actually) I will be graduating college. I know that sounds like a long time, but looking back over my past 8 6-months, it doesn't feel that long at all. 4 years ago I was preparing to graduate high school and attend YWAM. 3 years ago I was finishing finals and heading home to choreograph an audition for the Spring Dance Show. 2 years ago I was looking ahead to my first class at Millersville, praying to God that I had made the right decision and that this university would be better than HACC. Last year I was prepping for a difficult few semesters, leveling with myself that I would have to be in school longer than necessary. Now, here I am, 4 years later looking ahead to the next step.

Student Teaching.

Don't get me wrong, I have a few jumps, leaps, and sprints before I get there, but I'm so close. And shortly after that comes the next huge phase in my life:

post-graduation.

But I'm not going there ... yet.
They say time speeds up when you get older. Well, let me just say, if it gets any faster than this, there's a good chance I'll wind up with whip lash. Hopefully even with the speed, it's still as enjoyable as it has been. =)

Happiness is ...

I can't take the credit for this; it was not my idea -- but I ran with it anyway =)

I wrote this in response to a note on Facebook that one of my friends had posted. I've reworked it since then and really like it. It's not an exhaustive list by any means, but it's a start. Feel free to add your own thoughts in response.

And feel free to run with it ... as I did. =)

Happiness is …

Millions of stars on a lost island so bright you never need a flashlight; the whisper of the moon telling me something greater is out there. It’s summer raindrops patterning the sidewalk; the cool fall breeze that smells like apples and pumpkins; the bright white of snow not yet disturbed by little feet.

Happiness is …

Gliding along the dance floor with only the music as company. It’s knowing that you worked hard for something worthwhile. It’s creating art from nothing in a world where it’s quick to be forgotten.

Happiness is warmth.

It’s an old blanket passed down for generations that smells like Nonna’s house. It’s the aroma of biscotti, a twist ice cream cone with sprinkles and a cherry on top. It’s mini golfing, golf cart riding, and midnight swimming on our “very own vacation” to Memaw’s.

Happiness is …

The love of a family you hardly see but always know is there. It’s the sound of laughter around a table, a guitar and voice on a clear evening. It’s the company of friends, good food and fine conversation. It’s summer nights that never end surrounded by people who are family by blood or laughs, love or conversations. It’s late night trips to diners, inside jokes and taco bell well past midnight.

It’s the hug of a mother, no matter how old the child. It’s a familiar voice echoing on the telephone line. It’s the dream of forever love; the sweetness of chocolate mixed with cherry by the fire. It’s sweet child voices calling your name, singing songs of love. It’s finding joy in the simple things.

Happiness is peace.

Peace with self, peace with the world, peace with God.

It’s standing back and knowing that for one instant, the world is good and right for a change.

I turn 22 in 10 minutes ...

I turn 22 in a matter of a few minutes ... in fact, I probably won't finish typing this before the clock strikes twelve.

Twenty-two. Seriously, I cannot believe it. In some ways I feel so much older than that with all of my experiences and dreams and goals in life. But most days I can't seem to fathom that I've been alive for twenty-two years. Where does time go? How does life manage to fly by so quickly that blinking causes you to miss months at a time?

I've been so blessed in my life with my family, friends, opportunities and experiences. God has been good to me. I'm excited to take on this new year of life. It will have many firsts and milestones, I am sure ... graduating from college, first time walking at graduation, first real job, possibly first apartment or moving out, first set of bills, first time actually living like an adult ...

Wow, 22, you seem like a lot to take on, but I think you'll be worth the challenge ...

Poetry Aloud!

Alright. Well, this one won't be long as it is already late and I am exhausted from the week. It has been a very interesting, very busy past seven days. I went to a concert in Philadelphia on Sunday to see John Mark McMillen, Chris August, Gungor, and the David Crowder Band. We didn't get home til close to 1am that night and I taught the next morning. Then throughout the week, I had a bunch of stuff due and had several responsibilities that kept me out fairly late. I think I was up til 2:30 or so another night and after midnight probably the rest of them.

We did a good deal of fundraising this week for two of the clubs I am in. All week there was a table set up on campus with information and selling "grab bags." Thursday night we had a Denny's fundraiser and then tonight we had a Poetry Aloud! program downtown in Millersville's 42 N Prince Street Building.

I read two original pieces this evening and then I also competed in what is called a poetry slam. I understood it as a "performance" of an original piece. I was under the impression that we were to memorize the poem and then perform it "dramatically" with our voice. I had such a blast. I am posting the videos below so that you can check them out if you'd like. =)

This video (above) is the Slam Poem. It is called "Shades of Gray." I wrote this poem in two parts. The first part came last April on a rainy day. I was people watching and it inspired me. I wrote the second half this past Tuesday night, in the dark, at 2:30am (on Wednesday morning) after finishing a paper.

This video (above) is of the reading from the Poetry Aloud! program. The two pieces are called "Writing on the Walls" and "Paper." "Writing on the Walls" came about one day when I was writing some poetry in my bed, and while I was working through a block, I had to restrain myself from writing on the sky-blue wall right in front of me. "Paper" came about as I pondered my insane habit of doodling and writing on my exposed skin.



I hope you enjoy listening to my poetry. I love writing and I love sharing it. Hopefully it brings you as much joy as it brings me =)

My relationship with sleep.

I don't know why but the thing that I so often crave the most, is the last thing that I want to do at night: sleep. It is the life-force that gets me through the long hours of the day, but yet, so often I refuse to give into its calling. If only schedules worked in such a way that sleep could come when it desired and everything else could work around that. Unfortunately, my sleep has to work around my insane schedule.

During the day, I could probably spend twelve hours in dream land, watching the back of my eyelids as I float perfectly along in a state of unconsciousness. I don't, but I could. Then, when you know 10pm, 11pm, 12 midnight comes along, the last thing I want to do is sleep. My creativity thrives in the late hours of the day. My ideas come alive and I have energy once again. What the heck is up with that?

I know I will regret it in the morning, I know that I will be drowsy for hours on end, but more often than not anymore, I tend to push back my "bedtime." I am in bed at the same time, but the light does not go out until hours later than planned. And then, sleep still evades me as I think about whatever is on my mind. I am just not tired at night. Perhaps I am turning into a nocturnal animal. That would be so strange and not beneficial since most of the world functions during the hours when the sun is shining.

Honestly, I think of the strangest, most creative ideas when it is hours past the time when I should be sleeping. Maybe someday my body will actually get it right.

Why I write.

Hey everyone!

So every once in a while I will go somewhere and run into someone I am friends with on Facebook, follow on Twitter, or just know from my goings on in life, and they tell me that they like to read my blog. I see how many people have already stopped by to check out what's going on and I am so excited!

This got me thinking. I have to write a blog for my placement right now and tonight I wrote about how we are all writers. So I thought that I would post that post here as well. I am challenging all of you to respond. I want to know why you write. Take a second and read through my post below and then leave me a comment. If my sixth graders can do it, then I know you all can too. =) Oh, and it's National Writing Day, so that's another reason why you should tell me why you're a writer! =)

*   *   *

We are all writers. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you do, everyone is a writer. Some people only write when they are making a grocery list, taking a test, or sending a text to their best friend. Other people write to make sense of life, to get away from reality, or to create something new.

When I was trying to decide what to write about tonight, I jumped on twitter and saw this:

Penny Kittle is one of those people who write for a whole bunch of reasons. She is an author as well as a teacher. My professors have used her textbooks in a couple of my Teaching English classes. The blue lettering before the black represents a conversation that is going on. People who also want to respond to “why I write” simply put a # and whyiwrite and then type their response. It is a way to have a conversation across cultures and boarder lines.

This gave me an idea. Since we are all writers, I want to know why you write. But first, let me tell you why I write.

I write because I love putting words together in patterns that I’ve never seen before, or imitating patterns that caught my attention. I write because sometimes I just need a break from everything that I have to do. I write to make sense of my life and to help other people see a glimpse of what I see everyday. I write because I think I’d go insane if I didn’t.

So why do you write? Parent or student, I want to know why you write, even if it’s just to make a grocery list or take a test. That’s this week’s activity. It can be one sentence or a paragraph. I just want to know. I am a writer, as we all are, and I like to know what makes other people writers too.

Creativity and it's place in life.

So, I feel as though I haven't had a chance to be creative and pursue my interests rather than school mandated work recently. Don't get me wrong, I am excited to teach and I know it will all be worth it in the end, it just saddens me that I feel as though I haven't been able to really write in a long time.

My friend has been talking about taking a year off after he graduates to just write. I am envious every time I hear him mention it. I have such a hunger for taking time and creating whatever comes into my head. So often, life just gets in the way of what is going on in my subconscious.

My friend said something tonight that made me think. It was something like, "I want to see what I can produce when I put my all into writing because right now I am producing what I think is pretty good stuff. I'd like to see what I can come up with when I don't just write when I don't have time." Now that wasn't exactly word-for-word what he said, but it just got me thinking.

What would happen if I didn't have to get through life before I could sit down and write my heart out? What if I could just grab a journal and a pen anytime the muses shine down on me? (Okay, I don't really have "muses" but you get the point ...) How many ideas are lost because when they come to me, I am in the middle of something "more important" and cannot entertain it?

Well, that's it. I just wanted to get that out there =).

Laugh, Love and Learn

This weekend I embarked on my first Millersville-affiliated spiritual retreat. It was seriously the best time I've had in a while. The Navigators (Navs for short) are a Christian group that is spread internationally on college campus and military bases. They also have missionaries in several countries around the world. I found out about Navs from a friend of mine this summer and attended the first meeting. I've been attending one of their weekly Bible Studies and have made it out to a few other Nav Nights as well.

After over a year of having zero Christian friends on campus, it is wonderful to finally know people who believe the same way I do and go to the same school. I truly believe this is just one more way of God showing me His faithfulness in my transfer.

So anyway, back to the weekend. I started out knowing umm, well maybe like 5 people on this trip; I now know a significantly larger amount. =) Millersville University and University of Maryland meet up each year for this retreat (sometimes they are joined by Rutgers and Bowie State, but not this year unfortunately). Believe me when I say, I had no idea what I was in for.

The weekend provided numerous occasions to laugh, love and learn. The messages and testimonies were solid and the people were completely genuine. The talent show on Saturday night was nothing but hilarious. It really gave me a chance to relax while getting to know some other awesome Christians and getting to spend some much needed time with God.

The word for me from the weekend was undoubtedly "trust." Every message, every small group, every devotional, that idea was there. It took me until the last few hours at camp to realize in what area exactly I needed to be more trusting. God spoke to me a lot in that final time. Although I don't always remember, I am graduating in May. I need to trust God that He has exactly the right path laid out for me. He also has the right person for me as well. That's the other area I need to be more trusting in. Thankfully, God has it all figured out so therefore, I don't need to. =)

Overall, the weekend was a blast. I am so happy I went on the Navs 2011 Fall Retreat. =)

Reading Prose

Yesterday (Friday Sept 30th) I read at another poetry reading at school. I'm in this club called the Creative Writers' Guild. It started up last semester and we meet every Tuesday night to talk about writing and share our work. Occasionally, we arrange a date with the Javateas on campus to have a poetry reading. Now, despite the title, it doesn't have to be poetry. Readers can sign up for a 5 minute time slot and fill it (or not fill it) with whatever they want basically.

This time, we had several people come out to read, but unfortunately not as many as last time. Several readers shared works from professional authors while others shared self-written pieces. We had a few people take up two (or three) time slots, but due to the lower number, it all worked out. It was a blast and great fun to hear people's work. I'm always amazed at the talent people have.

I decided to record myself sharing my 3 pieces of "prose ... with a poetic flare." Hopefully later in the year, I'll get to share it with my 6th graders, but for now, I'm sharing it with you.

The three pieces I read were entitled (in order): "Window in a Coffee Shop," "Paper," and "It's a Gift." Hopefully you enjoy listening as much as I enjoyed sharing. =)

The Lampeter Fair

I went to the fair today. The last Wednesday, Thursday and Friday of September always bring about the Lampeter Fair. This year was like the 83rd year it's been going on. (Don't quote me on that number I might be off by a year or so). I think in my entire remembering of life, I only missed the fair one -- maybe two -- years. And I was devastated that I couldn't make it.

I don't know what the draw is of the Lampeter Fair. There are no rides, no fun activities for those older than 18 and it is extremely crowded. But still, everyone goes. It has that small town essence. There is familiarity and remnants of days gone by. Each year a little bit changes here and there, but basically it's the same fair that I've been going to since I was little.

The weekend before the fair, if you drive past the fairgrounds you can see the big green and yellow tents set up in the same formation as always. Two on one side of the arena and two on the other. They now have several other-colored tents that accompany the four "originals," but the staples are where they've always been. You can bank on what's inside them too. There are stands that have been around, again, for as long as I can remember -- in the same place! For instance, Grace Brethren Church is just inside on the left of the first tent on the right of the arena. The Herr's Potato Chips stand is in the same tent on the right like 4 spots down. On the other side of the arena in the first tent on the right side there are a bunch of tractors ... I could go on and on, but my point it is, it's still the same.

One thing that has changed a bit has been the food. There used to be two food stands plus the fire-hall dinner. Now there's four and the options have increased as well. But the milkshake line and funnel cake line are still as long as ever.

It's always muddy, always busy, and always fun. You can't slip through the fair without seeing someone you know, and most likely, you'll spend most of your time running into old acquaintances. I have a thousand memories of the fair and hope to make a few more in the years to come. So, if you're ever in Lancaster the last week of September, head over to the fair grounds for a time you probably won't forget. =)

The Reality of the Fairytale

I'm wondering ... what's the appeal of fairytales? I just finished watching A Cinderella Story and am just thinking through the logistics of it ...

I guess it's the whole good overcoming evil; the poor girl being rescued by the handsome well-to-do prince; and everyone living happily ever after. If you think about it, it's kind of the story of the Bible.

For years and years the Jews strayed from the Lord; even in today's world, we (as in all people) still stray, but through Jesus' death and resurrection, we have been rescued. The King of everything good and wonderful in the world has defeated evil ... for eternity! We who are poor in spirit, have nothing in the grand scheme of things, have been rescued by the Prince who has it all. In the end, worldly possessions will not matter. The only thing that matters is where our heart finds value. If we find it in the Lord then we will be forever with Him. Lastly, the Bible promises a happily ever after in heaven for those who believe.

So I guess that's the draw of the fairytale ... everyone's looking for their own, but what we don't always realize is that it's not an actual prince and princess story, but rather a King and His creation. Interesting ...

I find it humoring that these are the things I think of at 1am. =)

Busy-ness of Life

I'm realizing that life gets busier by the moment and although I might beg for it to stop, slow down, somehow I know it won't, but then again, is that really a bad thing?

I've come to the point in my life where I will probably never again feel like I've "caught up." No matter how hard I try there will always be things that I need to do, was supposed to do, or want to do. I'm growing up and well my dear, that's just part of it.

New meetings, bigger responsibilities, sneak attack obligations all culminate on the same week every week. How do I keep my life balanced in a way that allows me to get everything done, attend all activities and still have time for "me?"

I've always liked the busy life. Summer days would drive me and my mother insane with my persistent desire to do something besides watch TV or read another five books from the library. I'm still quite enjoying my chaotic whirlwind. I love feeling the necessity of a schedule, and for once I'm actually managing to keep one (knock on wood). When I'm busy, I feel important, but when I'm too busy, I feel drained. Often my most brilliant creativity comes out in the tiny gaps between appointments demanding my attention.

I rejoice that I am able to jump from one meeting to another. I thrive at the idea of a full day block on my calendar. I love being able to experience all that is around me. Just remind me next time I start to complain: I asked for this! =)

Finally Fall.

As the weather turned colder this week, I came to a realization that I had never quite appreciated before now. I love fall. The smooth cool breeze with its hint of apples and pumpkins, the clear calm blue skies -- all of it just puts me at peace and reminds me of why I so dearly love this season. Hoodies and sweaters break out and jeans become a staple once again. Despite the cooler temperatures, there is warmth in the golds and reds of trees and the purples and oranges of sunsets.

Communities gather together for football games, fairs and backyard bonfires. The heat from summer finally releasing its hold and the chill from winter having yet to wrap its tendrils around us. Apple cider, hot chocolate and other warm drinks in paper cups become a permanent accessory to every teenager and busybody alike.

The fires and the leaves produce a longing for a hand to hold. The stars shine down on loved ones curled together on blankets staring back at the lights millions of miles away. Children settle in, but cry for one last dog day before the permanent chill of hallways and homework claim their undivided attention. It's a time of transition that, unlike Spring, lazily stretches its limbs beyond its rightful margins.

Fall is that sticky sweetness of maple syrup. It's the slow progression of Hallelujah sung in a sultry deepness. It's pigskin footballs, cheering fans cuddling in the dew, and families pulling together for Sunday dinners. It's the remembering of days gone by and the dreaming of the days yet to come.
It's a gift.

White Water Rafting

Okay so seriously the scariest day of my life.

Back in January when our young adults group leader was planning our activities for the year, I was excited and thought white water rafting would be fun. As it got closer I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to make it. Nervousness+lack of funds=not for me. But then things worked out and I was able to go. I tossed and turned all last night with nervous energy running through my veins. I did a lot of praying and asked for peace. On the way there and even at the check in, I was the one reassuring people that all would be fine.

I started to panic when our guide began giving us information on the trip itself. One of the most frequent signals you will see is the "get down" signal ... meaning hit the deck! That was warning number one. Warning number two came when he began giving instructions on what to do when you fall out of your raft:
Don't stand up.
Keep your feet and nose above the water.
Get back to your raft and grab the rope.
If you can't get to your raft, grab onto the front or back of a guide's kayak.

Boy am I glad I payed attention.

We came up on the second rapid. It's name is Cucumber due to the sent of the copper snakes extra skin that they shed during whichever season it is that they shed it. I'm in the front of our raft (mistake) and have my foot wedged as much as it could be. I'm gripping my paddle, rowing as hard as I can as I watch the white water sprinting closer and closer. Nosedive. The front tip of the raft hits the center of the rapid and water instantly begs me into its trap.

I feel myself falling backwards. Instantly my face is beneath the white water. My left foot is still wedged in the raft, but only for another second. The water calls me deeper beneath its surface. I'm rolling around; tossing and turning with the tantrum of the rapids. I don't know which way is up. My head bobs above the surface. I breathe as quick as I can before the water decides to pull me under again. Why am I still holding this stupid paddle?! I want to let go, but know I need to hang on to it. I hear my name and I know there are rocks nearby, but all I'm thinking is Jesus, help me! I'm dragged back underwater, my lungs still full of the force all around me. If only I were a fish, then I wouldn't be so desperately searching for the surface.

My head's above water one more time. I go to flip onto my stomach to try to swim, but the rapids are still calling my name. I remember the rule: Keep your nose and toes above the water. Well, I don't know about my toes, but I'm on my back and I can do nothing but pray that the water doesn't pull me back under for another spin.

"Hey! Hey!" A green kayak came into my view. In my desperation I managed to grab the handle on the front, but now what? I tried to swim with my paddled hand, but resorted once again to floating on my back. "Breathe! Breathe!" That means more water is coming. Quick breath. Too late. back under water, still holding tight to the kayak. Air hits my face again. "Breathe!" The water might have claimed me one more time, but I don't remember. I spewed water all the way to the shore and even after I was on the big rock begging for them to let me go back, be done, never have to face the water again.

They gave me the option, I could back out if I wanted to -- but there was also the lunch raft. One small four-man raft with a guide and the coolers inside. The guy knew what he was doing, could ride the rapids and insure no more swimming episodes. So either I get back on the water ... or I spend the next two hours sitting back at check in kicking myself for not trying again.

So, for the next two hours I chatted with Bob and enjoyed the lovely scenery and the occasional splash from the rapids who were wishing for another victim, thankfully too far out of reach.


Click here for more -->  White Water Rafting  Pictures!!

I love to cook.

So, to you this is going to sound really random, but hey, to you most of my posts are really random ...

I really like to cook. I love it. Today is my sister's 17th birthday and I decided to make one of her favorite meals for her. I think thanks to me, she really likes chicken alfredo with broccoli so instead of buying a jar of premade alfredo sauce and just using that I figured I would look up a recipe and make it all from scratch. I cooked a ton of chicken, 5 heads of broccoli, 2 pounds of fettuccine and then made my sauce. It was seriously delicious (and less calories that the usual due to smarter options). I knew that eating some would result in an attack of my allergies, but it was very very worth it.

I also made cupcakes for the Sunshine (it's what I call my sister). 17 cupcakes spelled out Happy Birthday Jana and we had like 7 left over. So we spelled out the message and put candles in them. She doesn't really like cake so we went with funfetti cupcakes instead. =)

Oh yeah. Not only did I cook for my family, but Sunshine decided to have a few friends over for her birthday. So I cooked for 10. Ah it was so awesome! Seriously, awesome. I don't know why I find such joy in cooking for people, but I do. My senior year of high school I almost went to CTC for a culinary arts program, but I decided that missions was more important to me than cooking. I'm happy with my choice, but now I wish I could have done both. I would love to learn all the fancy ways to cook things, but then again, maybe it would take all the fun out of it for me.

Another meal that I've been making on a very regular basis is a general tso chicken dish. I fry pieces of chicken, broccoli and pineapple in a skillet, add some rice and mix it with general tso's sauce. So good. Sometimes I just do rice ... kinda like a fried rice sort of thing. It's just fun.

Dinner parties are one of my favorite things as well. Like I said, cooking for people brings me joy. I can make something for them and they appreciate it and it makes me feel important I guess. I don't know. It's just fun. So, yay for cooking! =)

Someday

I think it's interesting ... all three of my siblings constantly have boys or girls (depending on their gender)interested in them and vying for their attention and affection. Seriously, since middle school I would sit by and watch as they delt with the annoying or sweet pursuers. Even my youngest brother who is 7 years younger than me has girls that at least appear remotely interested.

I'm always the observer. Always. My favorite movies are romantic comedies; my favorite scenes are those when Ross finally gets Rachel kind of scenes. Even now as I type this my favorite scene from my favorite Star Wars is playing on the screen above me. "You like me because I'm a scoundrel ... There aren't enough scoundrels in your life ..."

My adolecence was marked by crush after crush after crush. There was always a guy (or two) that I liked but hardly ever one that liked me back. I mean, I've come to terms with that and I am perfectly okay with it just sometimes I wish that my "Prince Charming" would come along ... Or at least for once that the guy I like would like me back.

I always talk myself into thinking that he might like me, but then realize it was just me playing silly little girl games and getting my hopes up. Currently, I've liked the same guy for over a year and as far as I know he has no clue. Of course that's partly if not entirely my fault, but still.

I know that the right guy will come along and I'm not really worried about it ... Well clearly on some level I'm a little worried or I wouldn't be writing this now. I know that God has the perfect guy for me out there somewhere and he will come along at the right moment ... Just sometimes I'm afraid that the right guy/moment has come and gone and I missed it.

Someday. Someday it will all be worth it ... All the waiting, all the heartache, all the sitting by and watching my younger siblings deal with relationship issues that I only dream I had. Someday will eventually become my one day ...

Love and laughter

I think it is so awesome when a group of people can find any reason to just hang out and have fun. My brother's college soccer team played in a local tournament this weekend. After the game this afternoon a tired and sweaty Ben came home to a house full of people. We decided to gather a bunch of his friends and ours for a post-game party. It was such a great time.

The "kids" kind of ruled the house. Mom and Dad and another parent cooked food and then whoosh! it was devoured and and laughing began. I can't even tell you what we talked about or what we did besides sit around our big wooden table and laugh at the most random stuff. Our house -- as always -- was filled with love and laughter. We just had a few extra people tonight.

That's the kind of home I want to have -- a place where people and friends can feel free to stop by anytime and just hang out, have fun, eat and enjoy life. I thrive on nights like these when everyone is gathered for a good time -- no occasion necessary. Life seems that much richer and fuller when surrounded by loving laughter. I pray that people feel welcomed and relaxed in my house -- a second home to anyone who needs it. It is the true meaning of loving your neighbor, friends, children, anyone! My goal is to always have a place where anyone can feel at home. =)

First Day of Transition.

I'm sitting here in the lobby of one of the buildings on campus watching as people rush by, already late for class on their first day ... It is a new first day for me. Not only is it my first day of classes at Millersville this school year, but it is the first day of my senior year. Not only is it the first day of my senior year of classes, but it is the first day of my year of transition from student to teacher.

This morning I reported to Reynolds Middle School for my first day as "Miss Barnhart." The sixth graders were so cute and nervous and overexcited. For some of them, they are still at that point in their lives when they actually enjoy going to school. For me, I always enjoy it ... I just don't always enjoy all the things that go with it -- like the homework and waking up early.

There's always an energy on the first day of school. It fuels the day and even part of the year. The sense of "new" is a particularly interesting concept. What I will never understand is how people are indifferent to firsts -- particularly the first day of school. I don't know; I just think there is too much emotion tied into the experience that it is impossible -- at least for me -- to feel nothing.

Well, something for sure this semester will teach me is that I need to be sure I get enough rest. Sitting here right now waiting for my first MU class to start, I am exhausted -- my body is begging for a nap. If this is going to go well by any means, I am going to need to revise some habits -- I need to make use of the in between time and go to bed earlier. Prepare the night before so that there is no rush in the morning. It is certainly a transition year, but the transitions and changes should only be for the better. =)

Patience, Flexibility, Questions, and Surrender

Already this experience is teaching me something. It is yet to be the beginning of school and already I've learned a few very important lessons.

Flexibility is key.
Patience is absolutely necessary.
It is okay to ask questions.
Sometimes there is just nothing you can do, but don't give up until every option has been examined.

As I've written before, I am part of the Professional Development School this year for Junior Block and then on into Student Teaching. I am super excited for the experience and cannot wait to get it underway. However, irony has received the prize for, well, being irony. I am one of only two (at least that is what I have been led to believe) students who still do not have their placements for the fall. I am supposed to meet with my mentor/co-operating teacher on Friday and then be in class with them on Monday, but as I have yet to find out who it is, I'm not sure how solid those plans are.

I found myself this evening extremely overwhelmed with this information. My mood dropped and my attitude found its way to a dark corner. Tears seemed inevitable. But God. I am reminded daily, if not hourly or by the minute, that God has a plan and a purpose for my life. I have committed this internship to Him and know that no matter what happens, He works everything for the good. I've been praying to be placed in the right classroom with the right teacher, and fully believe that God is going to do just that.

So ... long story short -- yes, I am anxious, a little frustrated, and extremely antsy over not knowing where I am supposed to report on Friday, but I firmly believe that God will lot let my prayers go unanswered and will place me in the classroom that will be the exact place he planned to put me all along. The end. =)

Playing Catch-Up

It's been a crazy almost week since I last wrote. We moved Ben into college. I had fun, but my parents definitely did not. Note to self: get as far away from home when parents move Jana in ...

Speaking of Jana ... she wrecked my car yesterday. I got a text from her saying "I hope you don't like [your car] very much because [it] just got into an accident." I was like WHAT?!?! Fortunately everyone was/is okay and it's just the front left corner that was damaged. It's at the repair shop already ... thankfully.

I've bought my school supplies, some food I can actually eat, the remainder of my books, a parking permit and registered for the praxis ii so what little I brought home from working for my uncle has been just about depleted. Oy. I will quote one of my friends (which one it was I can't seem to remember) "Growing up is expensive!" and it truly truly is.

I've been exploring my post graduation options -- it's a little early, I know, but I like to plan ahead for these things. I have some ideas, but I'm looking forward to the year for hopefully a few more ideas/options. We'll see where I end up.

For a few days last week and the majority of this week, I am playing Mom -- or at least that's what it feels like sometimes. It's kinda fun actually. I basically supposed to keep the kitchen clean, keep the table cleared off and make dinner for everyone -- oh and take care of/be responsible for any and all kids that are at the house during the day. Today I also had to play chauffeur for my brother to and from soccer practice. Eh, it's not a bad way to spend the week ... I get to relax a bit too ... oh and I got a Vera Bradley bag out of the deal! =)

I honestly cannot believe school starts on Monday. Life has flown by these past few years. People told me that it would, but it's taken until now to really see how much truth those words possessed. Entering my senior year is mind blowing, but exciting at the same time. I meet with my mentor on Friday at Reynolds Middle School and will be in full swing come Monday morning. My siblings are growing up and times are changing. Life is getting more and more interesting each and every day. I wonder what else God has in store for me. Looking forward to the year!

My Wonderful Siblings

My brother moves into college tomorrow. In honor of his farewell and the start of another school year we had one of our semi regular/spring it on us whenever something important is going on family meetings. Each sibling prayed for each other and we through that we each were able to truly realize what new adventures we were stepping into. I thank God not often enough for the opportunity to watch my amazing younger siblings grow up. I am so proud to call them family. Each has such unique giftings, but together we just fit. I've loved the time I've spent with them since I've moved back home and I look forward to continuing to build stronger relationships as time goes on.

Since I write about myself a lot, I'm going to skip what's new in my life and lay out what's going on with my brothers and sister.

Ben as of tomorrow is a freshman at Eastern University in their honors college. He will be playing soccer and doing school work til all hours of the night, I'm sure. It's his first real adventure sans family and I can see the excitement wafting off of him. He's anxious to test his independence. He's grown so much in the past year and he will do great, I'm sure. This is the kid who killed his SAT's and was second in his class. He balanced all of his extra curriculars and got 5's on all of his AP exams but one (which he got a 4 on). He plays guitar like a pro, but doesn't believe it. He's that guy that every girl likes and he makes them all feel special. He's a heartbreak waiting to happen but too nice of a guy to let it.

Jana is sixteen, soon to be seventeen and a junior in high school. With Ben leaving for school, she is inheriting his car -- which is a stick shift. She's spent the past few days learning how not to stall and how to maneuver around in the tiny Honda Civic. She's a class officer and an officer in many other activities as well. She has such a way with people that I will never understand because it's just so natural for her. She just started her first job a few weeks ago and is adapting like a fish to water. We've grown closer since I moved back home and I love having a sister. We're so different, but it's just fun.

Joseph will be a freshman in high school this year. He turns fifteen in October which is mind boggling in its own right. This week he tried out for the high school soccer team and made varsity. I couldn't be prouder. He's a jack of all trades. He plays soccer, basketball, runs track and dabbles in music and writing (but only when he has to). His intelligence has gotten him in trouble more than once, but his ideas are mind breaking and he will probably be one of those people you read about in professional magazines one day. He's hilarious and the baby of the family but has grown up more in the past year than anyone I've ever met. He's still my little brother, but he's quickly growing into someone I want to be friends with. It is wonderful to watch him succeed in life.

These are the three I'm stuck with -- for the rest of my life -- and I couldn't be happier. They each have such great influence and have been so blessed. I have been blessed just being their sister. They are amazing people and I hope they understand and realize that. I love them with everything in me. This is my family.

Dinner with Friends.

I had four girls over for dinner tonight. It was a mini cabin reunion from a retreat I went on earlier in the summer. I made pasta with chicken and broccoli in homemade sauce and garlic bread. Someone else brought salad and dessert. It was delicious.

We spent the evening chatting and I read them part of my story that has been coming along. I had read some of it to them on the retreat and surprisingly, they were anxious to hear more. I am always shocked when people enjoy my writing. It was so great to just relax with a group of girls -- women -- that I trust and have important things in common.

Looking back to a year ago, this never would have happened. I had very few friends in the area and even fewer girl friends. I am constantly amazed at how quickly it seemed to turn around. One week I felt completely alone and the next I was having people over for an evening of food and games. That's what it felt like.

I've realized the importance of having good friends. I can just imagine that after a long day of work, it will be wonderful to chat with someone who won't judge, berate or scold me. Having friends seems to allow you to forget about the reality of life, even for just an hour of so. Among true friends, you can drop all pretenses and worries. Stress can fade and true joy can spread in your heart.

A year from now, I very well may have a different group of friends, or depending on where life and God take me, I could be in a situation more similar to the one from a year ago. No matter what, I know that with or without a group of friends, I always have a confidant in God. He's the only thing that got me through the time when I felt so alone. So happy that that time is past, but so grateful that He's one friend that I will never lose ... even if I can't really invite Him to sit down to dinner with us. =)

Home again

So, I'm back in Lancaster County. Often times my return from long trips would elicit mixed emotions; never sure if I was happy or sad, but I was home nonetheless. This return seems similar but in more complex situations.

I am happy to be home; happy to see my family and spend time with my brother who is very shortly leaving for college; happy to have no specific daily routine and just allow myself to actually have a "vacation."

But then again, coming home means the start of the end. It's the end of school as I know it, it's the end of my family as a whole unit where before I was always the one leaving and they were all still home and intact. Coming home also signified the need to start getting back into school mode, start getting things in order.

There are a few things haunting me in these last two weeks before school starts:

~ I absolutely want to finish writing my story. The editing can come later, but I want the story finished.
~ I still have no idea where I will be placed for the year and who my cooperating teacher will be.
~ I have to fill out another exception to graduate form for pretty much the same thing that was approved but then messed up at the end of last semester.
~ I need to start realizing that I am an adult.

~ Oh, and I have no structure at all for these next two weeks -- I get antsy just thinking about it ...

Okay so yeah. That's what's going on in my life now that I am home. Our mini almost trip to NYC that got rained out kinda helped me jump back into things, but now I'm feeling the lack of activity. It's the first time all summer when I've had no outside sources pressing me for attention or asking for my promised obligation. It's a crazy two weeks and part of me is glad it's only that much and the rest of me is screaming that it's not going to be long enough, but it is what it is and whether I like it or not, I will be "Miss Barnhart" in a matter of only a few short weeks.

What has this world come to??

Girl in a Pawn Shop

I've loved being the only girl working down at the store. Now, don't get me wrong, there are some times when a customer would brush me off because I am a girl, but half the time I didn't want to deal with a grumpy old man anyway. I think it was good for the guys to have a girl around for a little while. It kept them on their toes.

Often, I was treated like a little girl which was kind of funny sometimes, but annoying other times. Like for instance, Jerry (one of the guys working there) would watch over my shoulder almost every time I bought gold -- even after I had successfully done it several times before that when he wasn't there. I mean, it's always nice to have a second pair of eyes, but still. Other times it was a joking manner. Like I could do anything I wanted and get away with it. It was all in good fun of course.

Today though, I saw that the guys weren't merely tolerating me, but actually enjoyed having me there. It was a nice feeling to know that although I was the boss's niece and just in for a little while and didn't know much about anything (but I learned quick!) they still treated me like an employee. We joked and worked together possibly better than some of the other people that work there. I even got a "going away present" from one of the guys. It was sweet. He gave me my own loupe and magnet so that when I go home I can go scavenging for gold and silver =)

Coming into this 4-week stint, I definitely thought I was going to get tired of working in the shop everyday, that it would ruin it for me, but surprisingly, it didn't. I actually really think I'm going to miss it. I'm excited for a break in school when I can come back and work for a few more days. I think it was my mom who told me that she didn't expect me to enjoy it as much as I do. There's just something about working with customers and never knowing what's going to come through the door. At least I know that if teaching fails, I have a place in the pawn industry. hehe. =)

Learning.

I've been learning A LOT in my brief little stay out here in Western Pa. For instance, I learned how to take the weight of a piece of gold in grams and determine the price of that piece. I've also learned how to tell a fake Morgan Dollar from a real one and I've perfected my ability to look up prices on eBay and price them accordingly for the store.

I've also been learning a lot about my family. I learned that my mom's mom and dad were married at 18 and 20 years old (respectively) and that my grandma loved being a housewife. I learned that at one point in time my grandfather held 3 jobs at once while also being a husband and father.

I learned that a week can feel like 3 days and four weeks like two, but that no matter how far or long I'm away I will always miss my family back home. I learned that just because you say something and convince others of it, it doesn't mean you've convinced yourself, particularly your subconscious.

I've learned that people can bounce back even if at one point in their life they seemed irreversible. I've learned that people can really be good people or they can really be manipulative people, but they should be loved nonetheless. And I've learned that just because I have a set of standards that I live by doesn't mean that everyone else does or should live by them.

I realize everyday that I don't know myself as well as I think I do, and each Sunday God gives me one more thing the rejoice about. I've spent more time in the Word than I probably ever have on my own and I've seen the seed begin to grow in my own heart. As I am surrounded by those who do not live in the Spirit, my time with God builds me up and allows me to be an influence instead of being influenced.

I've both grown up and returned to childhood; made plans for the future, but reminisced in the past. I've managed to save and not always to spend and I've learned to listen.

Each day it seems something new comes my way: a new adventure, a new lesson, a new reason to press on with all that I have. I don't know what's to come; I'm not even guaranteed my next breath, but I know that God is faithful and is continuing a work He started in me a long time ago. I know I'm His which assures me, it's all going to turn out just fine.

Local color

It is amazing to me how completely different two communities can be.

The part of Lancaster County that I am from is hopeful, continuously on the rise, and forever striving to be socially elite.

Across the state, working in the "hood" at the pawn shop these past few weeks, I've encountered a completely different type of community. Since the steel mills no longer provide massive amounts of jobs, the little towns in the area have a depressed feel to them. The people always seem to be trying to catch up. They are a rougher, more real people -- without the polished edges or proper politeness -- than almost any I've encountered.

These towns are places where people watch out for their own, and are quick to do what it takes to make ends meet. A bargain is expected and wherever you can shave a dollar you do. If you've met someone once, you have a connection the next time you meet. Friends help friends out. Money is a necessity, not a priority.

I've seen more cigarettes, tattoos, piercings, chew, heard more swear words, slang, and grammatical errors in the past 3 weeks than I probably have in my life. But that's normal here. People don't assume they're better than their neighbors. No one judges the clothes you wear or the writing on your arm. No one cares if you split infinitives or pronounce your o's funny. It's western Pennsylvania -- the downtrodden suburbs of Pittsburgh. It's a whole different world out here.

Forget what then, Here is NOW!

I've been thinking a lot about the next year and all that it has in store for me. I will be in a classroom as a "student teacher" all next year. Then, in May, I will take the short walk across the platform that signifies my proceeding from college student to college graduate, the transformation from student to adult.

The question I've been getting a lot lately is "what then?" What happens after I graduate? What will I do then? It's the most common response to my telling someone that I only have one year left. So, in response, I've been thinking a lot about my "next step."

This time away has given me a good look at what life may be like away from my family that I love so dearly. Despite that I have only been gone for 3 weeks and that I am staying with family, I miss my siblings terribly. Skype is a wonderful thing that allows me to have conversations with them (without cell phone charges) and I actually get to see them. It's not the same as seeing them in person, but it's the next best thing.

The reason I say this is because for a while now, I've been feeling that I really want to teach overseas at least for a year or two before I actually "settle down." I've always loved traveling and experiencing new cultures, but I haven't yet got to actually become a part of a new culture. I have such a hunger for new places and people and new environments outside of the  United States that it has been all I could do to stay stateside for these past 3 years.
I'm not quite sure where I want to go; I'd love to see Europe, but I'd also love to visit South America. At this point, my options are endless. Maybe I'll spend one year teaching in Europe, exploring on the weekends, and another year teaching in Argentina or Chile. Who knows where God will take me after I graduate.

But truly, before I can even begin to really think and get excited for the what then I must first embrace the here and now. There's a Steven Curtis Chapman song that talks about doing everything you do for the glory of God, and that is my prayer for this time, and always. No matter where I go or what I do, I pray that I do it as if it is for the Lord. We can easily get caught up in the what ifs and if onlys and as soon as I finish this project I can start the next one mentalities that often the present slips away. I'm praying for purpose for TODAY. Each day, one step at a time. =)

Half way mark

I had three goals for my time here in Western Pa:

1. Work as much as I can to make as much money as I can
2. Read as much as I can because I will no longer be in class
3. Write as much as I can because when I'm at home I always find ways to get distracted

Well, now that I am a little over half way through my time here I can happily report that I am succeeding in 2 of these goals, but failing miserably at the other. I have worked every day except for Thursdays and Sundays since I got here and I have read 3 and 1/3 books since I've been here. Unfortunately I have only written about 2 pages in my story.

Not only was this time supposed to be about working and saving money, but it was supposed to be sort of a vacation for me as well. It is a time to relax, spend time with my grandparents and not worry about school or any of the problems that come with it. Despite working almost every day, it really has been like a vacation for me. It's been great. I love being able to come home after working and just relax. We typically have dinner and watch the Pirates. I read or blog and then go to bed at a respectable time (like 10 or 11) and wake up feeling wonderful. It's been a delight waking up at 8am after 5 weeks of having to be at school by 7:30am.

I'm learning a lot about a lot of different things -- err, rather -- I'm learning a little about a lot of things. It's just fun. I'm not saving as much as I should because buying gifts for people is just too tempting. =)
It's been two weeks since I arrived and a little less than two weeks until I go home. Time is flying by, much like life and all I can do is embrace every moment and live it solely to glorify Him.

I used to walk barefoot.

I used to walk barefoot on this property. When I was little I hated wearing shoes. Like seriously hated it. The bottoms of my feet were often strange colors and extremely calloused. We would make the 4 hour drive to my grandparents and upon arrival I would not reshoe my foot. So I would climb out of the van onto the stone/gravel driveway and limp my way into the house. I'm telling you, this gravel was like monster size. It wasn't just like little stones, it was big mountains of sharp edges and angular sides just waiting to try to pierce my soles.

Well, since then the driveway has been paved and I've better adapted to wearing shoes, but I took a little walk outside in my bare feet and was reminded of the time when I was little and this was the normal. I even stepped on a few little stones and it showed me how much I've grown/changed since then. My feet instantly protested. It made me chuckle at the comparison.

The thing I think I appreciate most about being back here in my second childhood home is that despite the fact that I'm 21 and obviously different from the little girl who used to walk barefoot all over the place, I can still just be me. I can let the little girl side of me come out, even if it's just in the little things.
I can still sit around the table and play a game of cards, laughing until my sides hurt with my grandparents. I can still curl up in front of the TV with a blanket and cheer for the Pirates, Steelers, or Penguins. I can still spend an evening sitting on the back porch swing with my grandma telling stories.

No matter how old I get, I will always be their grandchild, free to be who I am and who I've been for as long as I can remember.

Shattered Glass

We arrived at the store today to find two windows broken in. Glass was everywhere. A normal day at work turned into chaos the minute we walked in. Unhappy phone calls were made, police reports filed and wooden panels put up to keep out the rain that was continuously pounding as the hours ticked by.

I stayed in my own little world all day long. Being the only girl working in a pawn shop usually has its benefits. Today, it was a bit trickier than usual. My natural instinct is to make sure everyone and everything is okay. Well, that was the last thing anyone needed today. I set to work on a project that took me through the majority of the hours that quickly passed by.

Towards the middle of the store there is a large shelf completely crammed with DVD's. There are two other smaller shelves to the right of it and about 4 large cardboard boxes in the back room entirely stocked with DVD's. My self-appointed task for the day was to give some method of organization to the strewn cases. I cannot even begin to tell you how many plastic cases my fingers held throughout the day. I shifted, squeezed, and stacked hundreds of movies -- all in the attempt to make it easier to pick one out.

I had a perfect view of the window for the first half of the crazy day. Amidst my organizing, I watched my uncle pace around on the phone, wandering every few minutes over to the scene of the incident. I saw police officers come and go and add to the BB I found on the floor when we came in. I witnessed window repair men taking measurements then driving away, returning with large wooden slabs to cover up the gaping hole that used to be the window. I stared as they knocked the remaining glass from the wooden frames and tried to tune out the blare of the shop vac as they made quick work of the shattered glass covered floors.

It was a perfect morning to keep myself busy. My project allowed me to process, but stay silent -- despite the numerous times I was asked to answer "what happened?" For once, there was a problem I didn't have to -- and shouldn't try to -- fix.

It was a solemn day at Pawn Starz, but got brighter as the day went on. Much like the weather, our spirits lifted beyond the morning, reminding us that there is always an end to the storm.

The little things ...

You might be surprised, but it's the little things in life that send me skipping through the living room with a smile plastered to my face, sure that I've successfully time traveled back to my days as a little girl. Life is funny that way. It's the little things that make it enjoyable.

For instance:

~ buying gold for the first time by myself
~ not having to put my smelly sneakers on my feet this morning
~ getting to choose the outfit I wear instead of throwing on a Pawn Starz shirt

and best of all ... the instance that sent me on my skip through time

~ realizing the next book in the trilogy I am reading is already on the kindle I just got.


Yes, it's short. Hopefully it's sweet. But like I said, it's the little things in life. =)

Adventures in Pawn Starz: Part 3

So working here, I've realized a few things.

1. People are so quick to get rid of things that they've had for 20, 30, 40 years or even their whole life.
2. They will do anything to get some cash.

Both of these things just hurt my heart.
I'll give you some examples of what I'm talking about.

A few days ago, a lady came in with a ring she had previously had been given an offer on. She didn't really like the offer the first time, but she was desperate for a few dollars so she brought it back, but she didn't remember the exact amount she had been quoted. Her response was something like "I don't remember from one day to the next." She had brought something else in but I don't think we wanted it. She then pulled her watch from her wrist and without blinking an eye offered it up for a price commenting, "I've had this watch since I was in nursing school." My uncle gave her an amount and she took it, adding about how long she's been a nurse. It was thirty years.
She handed over a watch that she's had for the majority of his life without blinking an eye. I just hope she didn't wake up the next day and wonder what she did with her watch.

My second story is from today, but it started yesterday. A lady brought in a ring that we thought might have a diamond in it. My uncle just couldn't be sure because it was almost too perfect. He asked the lady to come back today so that he could acquire a tester that would be sufficient to tell if it was the real deal. She came back this morning with the ring and a larger expectation of what she wanted. I remember waiting on her yesterday and she was almost offended that we thought her diamond could be fake. Even today she was indignant that it was real. Well, my uncle tested the stone and from what he could tell it was real, but something still just didn't seem right, but he bought it anyway. Later on a guy came in that knows more about diamonds and was going to buy it off of my uncle. He did some of his own tests and it turns out that the stone is fake. My reaction is how can people stand there and swear up and down that something is true and if you contradict them they jump down your throat. I just don't understand.

Ah! Days like today and events like these are a constant reminder that I am not made for this world. It just baffles me when I come in contact with people that are adamantly against anything good -- just to make a quick buck. Ugh. I just cannot comprehend how you can lie that outright and royally screw over someone else. Oy! Is there no respect for what is right and good anymore??

Adventures in Pawn Starz: Part 2

Oh boy, what a day! First thing this morning there was a guy who wanted to bet my uncle $500 that he could get a better offer on his ring from a store downtown. He was going on and on and on and on and on for like 5 minutes straight. It was seriously ridiculous. My uncle knows what he's talking about and is usually really fair in his offerings, but this guy just couldn't believe it.

And that was just the beginning of it. Because of the staff who was working, it was just me and my uncle who could test/buy gold or silver. I did a few by myself, but always usually double checked with him first. One lady had a few rings and didn't like the price I offered so she waited until my uncle could come and double check everything. I had done everything right, she ended up taking her rings back with her.

I spent the day organizing watches and putting up with the two ridiculous guys that were working. I bought Kindle chargers because I wanted to purchase the one that he had in his store that was missing that piece of equipment. I racked my brain trying to figure out how better to organize the hundreds (possibly over a thousand) DVD's he has in the store, as well as what to do with all of the CD's. I calculated the totals for tools that were 40% off today and leaving like the watermelon on a summer day. I was greeting sweaty people coming inside grateful for the air conditioning in the scorching 100+ degree weather. And probably my favorite part of the day was taking water to the construction workers and police officers working outside of the shop.

It reminded me that everyday we have a chance to brighten someone's day, to make a difference, to be a light. No matter where we are or what we are doing, we are in a mission field, we are called to be witnesses. We are to do all things as if until the Lord. Even though I've been spending my days hanging out in a pawn shop, I can still live for and glorify the Lord. =)

Adventures in Pawn Starz

Wow. I feel like it's been forever. There were several times that I started typing and then for whatever reason decided I didn't like where it was going and scraped the whole thing. Well, hopefully now I will actually finish writing. Let's see how it goes ...

So today marks my first day off since I started working for my uncle this past Monday. I've accompanied him to work a few times before, but it was always for just a day or two and I was just visiting. Now though, I am in the thick of it -- learning what it means to work in a "Pawn" Shop.

My uncle's store is called Pawn Starz -- not affiliated with the TV show, but business is conducted quite similarly -- but there is no pawning in this shop. It is strictly buy, trade, sell. The tag line for the store is "we buy anything of value" and, quite true to their word, they really do. I've seen squirrel lamps, pinball machines, slot machines, sports memorabilia, DVD's, CD's, air conditioners, vacuums, gaming systems, TV's ... the list goes on and on and on.

The most popular thing they buy, or maybe I should rephrase that, the favorite thing to buy is gold, silver, coins and jewelery. There is a fine art to determining if something is of value or not. More often than not, there are markings on the pieces that tell you whether or not something is silver or gold, but sometimes you have to test the item to determine if it is of value.

I've completed the process a couple of times, and look forward to when I can actually do the whole thing start to finish without feeling like I need to check with someone before I offer a price. I never thought I would but I am really loving working in my uncle's store. It's an adventure every day, truly. You really never know what or who is going to walk through that door ...

Stay tuned for more stories from my days working at Pawn Starz! =)

Summer fun ... Writing! =)

I finally feel like I'm living summer the way I've wanted to. I still have one more week of early morning summer classes, but then I'm done until the end of August. Because these past 4 weeks my classes were in the morning, I've been able to relax and spend my afternoons the way I wanted to, not feeling as though I had wasted a whole day in class. Most often I would come home and nap for a few hours, but hey, I was able to do it. The freedom that comes with summer is something that we often lose once we graduate from high school. I am so blessed to be able to regain it, even just for this short while.

I've been working on a story ever since January. I decided as sort of an unspoken resolution that I wanted to finish a story this year. I always start these little paragraphs or few pages of interesting content, but never see them through to completion. Well, already, as it is only July (which is hard to believe !!) I am well on my way to actually achieving my goal. That's the other thing I've been spending my summer afternoons doing -- writing. Or perhaps typing is a better term. I've filled an entire journal with my fairytale (one of those little spiral hard back ones you can get at Barnes & Noble on clearance with really cool pictures or designs on the covers) and I'm already several pages into a new one, but I was starting to get a little worried that it was my only copy of my story. If anything would happen -- like if I lost the journal, spilled water on it, lent it to someone or left it somewhere -- I think I would be heartbroken and greatly discouraged.

So I started typing it up. Now that I'm well toward the end of the adventure, I realized there are things in the beginning that I need to change/revise, and at first that is what really kept me from typing up my story. I figured I would want to edit as I typed -- which I am doing to an extent -- but it turns out that I've managed to just type what's written. I want to get it all down, then I'll worry about fixing things.

I am really excited about this story. There is so much out there that is just awful for young people (particularly girls) to be filling their minds with. Now, although my story doesn't necessarily scream about Jesus Christ and his saving grace, it definitely has a more positive image in it. If it closes the way I am hoping that it will (sometimes stories have a mind of their own and I can't really do anything about it) the book will be full of lessons to learn and encouragement for girls -- rather than a standard to which they are always destined to fall short.

I don't really know where this is going to go, but I've committed it to God -- wherever he wants to take it he will. If it just simply remains a hilarious tale about me and my best friend that is shared between the two of us -- I'm okay with that. I'm writing because I love it, and I'm writing because for some reason, God gave me the ability. I don't know what's coming tomorrow -- heck! I don't even know how my own story is going to end! -- but I do know that whatever comes my way, God is guiding me and will see me through!

To God be the glory! Always! =)

Family: the very young and the very old

Today was a family full day. I saw the oldest generations, gray with wisdom and memory loss and I spent some quality time with the newest generation, Little Patrick James (PJ) who is just 5 days old. Our family has been blessed with four generations on both sides.

My great-grandmother who we call "Nonna" turned 92 in February. Shortly after that, she suffered a stroke and was forced to relocate to an assisted living home. Despite some problems and hospital visits, she's settled in and apparently doing well. I visited her today for the first time since she moved.

Now, let me lay this out for you: I don't do well with old people. At church we used to go and sing and visit with the elderly around Lancaster. I would always feel uncomfortable and out of place. I never know how to handle situations like that. So walking into Nonna's room and realizing that she is certainly not the woman I knew a few months ago, the uncomfortableness settled right back in. I was on the verge of tears watching her struggle to find the right word, then with a deep sigh, resigning her efforts. Despite her struggles, she was still able to reminisce about how blessed she's been in her long life. She has 8 grandchildren and 15 great-grandchildren. She has been a spiritual mother to many and will leave a fantastic legacy behind her. She's on the edges of life, but living with no regrets.

I mentioned before that my cousin just had a baby, and I certainly was not lying. Her little boy is honestly one of the cutest babies I have ever seen. He was born on Tuesday afternoon so he's really just 4-5 days old. He fits in one arm (even my own short arms) and hardly ever fusses. I sat with him in my lap for a while today just admiring the little life that just started on his journey. I told his mom later that I could just sit like that for hours, stroking his little fingers and feeling him breathe against my stomach. He's the beginning of the fourth generation on my dad's side. With him comes the transformation of kid to adult, child to parent.

The weekend brought with it new journeys of life and new lessons of family. This fourth of July brings with it a foreshadowing of possible years to come as our family grows and matures as a whole and individuals.

My long weekend =)

So for the long weekend, a few members of my family decided to spend some time where the older generations grew up ... Western PA =)

The weekend is complete with the cross-state train ride, visiting the summertime hangout Kennywood, having a 4th of July picnic, and welcoming new life into the family. My mom, dad, sister, and I (along with my uncle) spent the day at the local amusement park, Kennywood. The day was filled with stories of days gone by, lots of screaming, and laughing til our sides hurt. The park is an awesome mix of historical wooden coasters and shining new metal loops. One of the rides (that my dad labeled an "old fogy ride") told the history and evolution of the park. We didn't really hear all of it, but what we did hear went along nicely with the childhood memories my parents told.

The park had and still has community and nationality days throughout the summer. Entire communities come out to the park and enjoy the day together. On the nationality days, the park is filled with Russians or Italians or any other of the many nationalities that embody the area. It's a family-friendly park through and through -- something for everyone and a place to go where you're bound to see someone you know.

I even have some of my own memories there. Kennywood has a different feel than the super commercialized parks like Hershey Park or Six Flags. It's the people's park, for locals rather than a tourist destination, or at least that is the feel I got today. I reminisced of my own days-gone-by, and made new memories with my family that I'll remember for a while.

One of those moments I'll remember for a while is when my sister faced her fear of roller coasters. Our second ride of the day was a new coaster called "Sky Rocket." It was fast and twisty and a lot of fun ... the first time. Jana was FREAKING out in line. My uncle had to drag her through the gate to convince her to go. She fake-cried the whole way through, but ended up loving it. Between she and my dad, they rode just about every coaster ride in the place ... multiple times. She was my riding buddy and I spent most of the day laughing with her and at her. She even decided to do Sky Rocket a second time. She improved as the day went on, I got worse. The repeat of the Sky Rocket put me over the edge. I was done after that one.

It was a great day. I love hanging with family and hearing old stories. I am wiped out tonight, but it was sooo worth it! Tomorrow brings the Strip District (get your mind out of the gutter! It's like little Italy in New York, only this is in Pittsburgh) and a 4th of July picnic with my Dad's side of the family. My cousin just had the cutest little boy who will be making his first appearance at a family gathering. It will be a great day to celebrate life and freedom, a wonderful piece of a fantastic weekend.

Saturday Morning Thoughts

So I'm laying in bed here on this Saturday morning, marveling at the fact that I am awake before 10am. I looked over at my wall and read through the quote I painted there a few months ago.

Life's not about waiting
For the storm to pass
But instead, it's about
Learning to dance in the rain.

That last line has been almost like a life motto for the past year or so, and I was reminded of it again today. I love to dance, but ever since my injury two years ago, I just haven't been able to do it. I miss it terribly, but know that In my spirit, in the depths of my soul, I can still dance. I'm not waiting for the storm to pass, but instead I'm learning how to dance through the difficulties life throws my way, metaphorically speaking of course. I find joy in the little things (like the fact that I am no longer on crutches!! and that I didn't have to get a cast or surgery, merely a boot for my injured calf muscle!! yay!!) and I've learned that despite my circumstances, I can be joyful. It's all about your attitude. I choose to have a positive outlook -- a friend of mine inadvertently taught me the importance of that back when I initially injured my ankle and did not know the importance of staying positive.

Yes, I miss the life I had before, but I know that God has a plan and a purpose and promises to "work all things for the good of those who love him and who have been called according to his purpose." I do my best to embrace that fact each day, especially when I feel like a dork traipsing around in my boot. God is good and that doesn't change no matter what trials may come. I am delighted and humbled to call him Lord and know that he knows exactly where this all is heading.

Praise the Lord for his new mercies each morning! =]

Deja Vu

So I'm experiencing a bit of deja vu. A little over a year ago I had surgery on my right ankle and calf muscle. I've been battling with orthopedic surgeons and neurologists ever since. Today something snapped in my left calf muscle. I am back on crutches waiting to hear from the orthopedic.

Although my physical situation is similar to a yea ago, I thank God that I'm in a much better place spiritually and emotionally than I was the last time I went through this. God has taught me a lot through the pain and heartache, and I've come out better than I was going in.

Obviously, I wish this wasn't happening to me, no one would want this in their life, but I'm seeing God's mercy, grace, and blessings through tribulation and trial. I know that this is nothing compared to what many many people go through on a daily basis, but still it is a struggle I face, and therefore a means through which God can work. I pray that God brings me answers through this new injury, but even if he doesn't I know that there is a plan and a purpose that prevails despite anything I face is this life.

I thank God for his strength to get this far and I pray for his patience as he continues to work in and through my life.

Irony.

I think it's ironic how I have chosen a profession that forces me to wake up early and go all day long.

I'm currently taking my summer 2 session classes, one of which requires me to be at school and awake enough to take notes by 7:30am. I'm sitting here thinking to myself, I have no blessed idea how I'm going to do this everyday all year long. I've never been much of a "morning person," and typically I grumble when my alarm goes off, no matter what time it is. It takes me a good while (usually) to fully wake up and welcome the world.

I know that through life, we adjust and our bodies respond the way they must to fit our schedules, but it's interesting because even through grade school, I always had a difficult time waking up in the mornings. I rise to the challenge each day, but I just find it humoring that I've dedicated myself to this life were getting up before the sun is the usual. I know that since God has called me to this, he will help me to adjust and adapt. I also think it will help if I make a point to go to bed before midnight on a regular basis.

These are just the random thoughts that spiral through my head as I sit waiting for my next class and smelling the coffee brewing in my professor's office. =]

I may have tripped, but I have not fallen.

I was really distracted when I sat down to do my devotions this morning. I was so tired because I had been up late and had to be up early for my new classes. My door was open so I could hear the voices from upstairs floating down to my room and I just was not focusing like I should. I opened up my Bible and read the verse. My thoughts froze. I reread it. It was like God was subtly speaking right to me.

"If the LORD delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumbles, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand." Psalm 37:23-24

I've been praying and thinking a lot about my mess ups in the past and about my relationship with God, and I've even gone as far as to realize that I may be punishing myself, chiding myself, for all the times I've backtracked and fallen on my face. This morning it was like God was telling me that even though I thought I had fallen time and time again, it was merely stumbling, because he catches me each time I trip. It was as if he was reminding me that I am seeking him, maybe not as whole-heartily as I should, but I am and he wants to help me get there.

I know it probably sounds strange and a bit confusing. I'm not doing the greatest job of explaining myself. I read this verse this morning and realized that God is rooting for me. He watches my steps and helps me through the hard times. He catches me when I'm about to fall.

My life is far from perfect, my faith mirrors that as well, but I'm not a lost cause. I'm not as far off as I think I am. God's grace and mercy go much further than I've ever realized. I'm embracing this verse as my lesson from God today. Each day is a new chance to get closer to the one who loves me irrationally, but completely, unlike any other person in the world. Today I am choosing to embrace that opportunity, and hopefully every day after.

Carpe Diem

So, my brother graduated yesterday. It was so strange going through the motions with him and realizing I never had a moment like his. I was sitting in the stands like I did for the 3 classes before mine in high school, but this time I had family among the blue and white. Benjamin was recognized time and time again throughout the service for his outstanding academic, athletic and other extra-curricular achievements. The icing on the cake was listening to them read off his list of accomplishments as they named him salutatorian of his class. I don't know if anyone in my family had a dry eye for that one. It was so special being there and listening to the amazing-ness that was the L-S class of 2011.

I was living vicariously through them for the evening.

I didn't attend my high school graduation.
I "graduated" in January of my senior year to pursue a dream I had since I was in middle school. I went to a Youth With a Mission (YWAM) Discipleship Training School (DTS) for 5 months. I sat in a classroom and learned about God and all that he has for my life as well as had daily chores and things to do to help build my character and teach me about myself. I then spent 2 months in the Pacific Islands of Fiji and Samoa putting into practice the things I learned. I had the time of my life and wouldn't trade it for anything ...
... even graduation.

But it's still so tempting to play the what if game, or at least the ... I wonder what it would have been like ... game. I was never recognized in my graduation. Last night, there were 5 students who graduated in January as well and each one was acknowledged. It wasn't so in 2008. I was merely lost in the chaos. I am glad for those students who were able to achieve their goal and still be part of their graduating class. I like to think that my experience may have helped with that. Sometimes it's just sad to realize you were forgotten.

Overall, the ceremony was beautiful. It started out scorching hot, but as the sun set, it turned into a beautifully serene evening. It was an exceptional class that graduated last night and the ceremony to bid them, as well as several administrators, farewell was no different.

Each year we learn something new. Heck, each day we learn something new. That's the beauty of life and learning. I hope that I never forget to look for the lesson that life is so apt to teach me each day.

Graduation is just a milestone, not an ending, not a beginning, but just a sign that you've made it this far. Life continues for thousands of more miles; I hope that I have and will continue to embrace each one ... Carpe Diem.

Dating and Waiting on God

We're in the day and age where it is totally acceptable for a girl to ask a guy out.

But what if you're a girl who wants the guy to ask? What happened to wanting to be pursued?

For instance: There's a guy that I've been chatting with for the past few weeks. He seems cool, but I don't really know him. I would love to be like "hey! Wanna grab some coffee and chat?" but the last time I did that, it didn't go over so well. Also, the last guy that I legitimately liked I never got up the nerve to do it because of all the times I screwed up in the past.

When I was younger I consistently made a fool of myself. I would "ask guys out" (we're talking middle school here) on a whim and not care how it made me look. Well, I've learned now that I looked pretty stupid. I've changed, at least I hope that I have. But now I think I'm afraid to do anything. Like I don't even want to hint at the idea of grabbing a coffee or anything for fear of repeating my past.

Plus, if I am the one asking then how does that work with waiting on God? I'm just wondering when my time will come, and if there's anything I can do in the meantime.

I'm not worried about the right guy coming along; I know that God will bring him at the right moment, but I'm just wondering. What if he has brought the right guy along (I'm not saying this guy is the right guy, I'm just talking in general now) and I'm too worried of making an idiot of myself to take a risk and do my part? I've been scarred by my idiot moves in the past that now I just want to passively sit and watch life go by and wait for *the guy* (whomever he is) to do all the work.

Is it okay for me to ask a guy to grab coffee with me? Is it okay for a girl relying on God, to ask a guy out? I feel like I've been so focused on this in the past and not repeating history that I'm deaf to what God's telling me about this. It's like I'm trying to make up for my past mistakes by not even going anywhere near the situations in which they occurred (even if now they may produce different results).

Am I punishing myself or just being cautious?

Oh the wonders of being a girl ... haha. =]

Memories and Revelations.

I can't believe that in less than a week my brother graduates from high school. I feel like I'm finally starting to build strong relationships with my siblings and now I'm about to lose one. Out of the three of my siblings Ben is the one I'm farthest from, relationally speaking.We chat over homework sometimes or when we have to go somewhere together (rarely does that happen), but otherwise we pretty much keep our distance. He and my younger sister have a really tight relationship that I often envy because when I was little I was the one who Ben wanted to hang out with and now I'm the last person.

Benjamin is a role model through and through. He is salutatorian of his class and headed to an honors college in the fall. He could major in whatever he wanted to, and who knows what he will actually decide. He was named co-captain of his high school varsity soccer team when he was a junior and leads worship at several school and church-related functions. He's the laid back cool kid that everyone wants to be friends with.

And I'm his lame sister who moved home and lives in the basement.

Sometimes I wonder where things went wrong. When did we stop being friends? When he moves out, will I hear from him besides at Christmas and Thanksgiving? Ben's his own individual, strong, independent and not afraid to drop you if you're annoying. He's the brother that I would quickly call my big brother because I look up to him more than a lot of other people even though he's almost three years younger than me. No one knows this but he's often the one whose approval I seek most, but I hardly ever get it. It's an understatement through and through, but I'm going to miss him when he heads off to college in the fall ...

My little brother's all grown up.

Bad endings.

So I'm gonna be a girl here for a moment or two ... just a warning.

Okay so I really don't get movies/stories that don't have happy endings. Seriously. Don't you think they would sell better if they had them?? Of course there are movies based on real life in which life didn't have a happy ending, okay I get that, or the weird creepy movies that their only point is to be weird and creepy. Okay I get that too, but movies that have romantic themes woven throughout or comedy movies, like seriously, would it kill someone to have the two people end up together, like for sure no guessing end up together? I know I know. Leave it up to the imagination or let the viewer decide, blah blah blah. When I watch a movie I don't want the credits to roll with me saying "what?! that's the ending??" Errr. It just irks me.

That's all I have to say on the matter ... =]

Toasting the Future.

Today I closed a wonderful chapter in my life. I said goodbye to IU13 so that I can put my all into becoming a great teacher. I will miss all of the wonderful people, opportunities and experiences I found while working there. Sometimes it's hard to say goodbye. ♥

This was my Facebook status Friday afternoon. At the time, and even now, three days later, there is still a bittersweet feeling lingering in my heart. I loved my job at the IU, and ever since I moved home, it has been a part of me.

But ... it's time to move on.

I am anticipating a lot of changes in the very near future. My brother graduates from high school in just a little less than two weeks. He will be going to school about an hour away, but no longer having him around the house will be strange. My youngest brother starts high school in the fall. I was looking at old pictures the other day and remembering how small and hilarious he was as a toddler. The hilarious part hasn't changed much, the the small thing definitely has. My sister will be a junior in high school next year, and although the coming year looks potentially uneventful in her arena, life often has a way of surprising us in exactly those moments.

And that's just the changes happening with my siblings ...

Something new for me (besides not having a job at the IU anymore) is actually being in a legit high school classroom. I've never functioned as a "teacher" in a public (or private for that matter) school before. It's always been at the IU with adults, but here is the opportunity I've been dreaming of (literally) since I was a kid. I'm really excited to take on this new role in my life. Hopefully I can learn to become at least half as great as the amazing teachers I had while growing up.

And that's just the beginning ...

Right now, this experience of being in a classroom that is headed my way, is the biggest item on my radar. I am sure there will be more changes this year to come, in fact, I would bet on it, but right now, I just can't see them. And that's okay. I look forward to new challenges and awesome experiences, even if they do sneak up on me (which I am sure that they will)!

So, if I were making a toast, I would raise my sparkling glass and say, "Here's to new adventures and not knowing all that's headed around the corner! May we take each moment and learn from it!"

Busyness versus Hurrying

This weekend I went on a no technology retreat with my 20-somethings group at church. The message Saturday night centered around busyness versus hurrying (basically) and he basically asked us to look at our life and see what it looked like. Most of us realized that we hurry through our day and come to the end and are not able to rest appropriately because we still have a million things cluttering our mind. To be busy and manage it well usually gives us a feel of accomplishment and it allows us to get everything done and feel good about it. Hurrying forces us to skim over things and not give any one thing our best effort. We jump from one priority to the next and even things that are supposed to be enjoyable become a chore.

Well, today I can say that I seriously feel that i took what could have been an insanely hurried day and turned it into merely a busy one. I felt like I mastered all that I did and I enjoyed it. At the end of the day I didn't feel extremely exhausted or discouraged that I didn't do my best, I actually felt great! Finding the balance in everyday life, for me, seems to be the difference between just getting by and soaring.

I've had to make a few changes lately, and I'm not going to lie, I'm not really all for them, but I know they need to be done. My priorities have been shifted a bit and I've even had to drop a few things. I'm learning that to really succeed with my schedule, there needs to be a balance and sacrifices.

I'm really excited for what's ahead. Like REALLY excited. I interviewed at a school today for an internship position for next year and I had a blast. Despite their decision, I will be in a school for all of next year, and not just for student teaching in the Spring. I feel like I'm finally moving in the direction of actually becoming a teacher instead of just floundering in classes. I'm so excited for this opportunity.

I also had two exams today, one before and one after the interview. Now, I obviously won't know my scores until later this week, but I was really quite satisfied with how I felt coming out of them. I probably didn't blow them out of the water, but I feel good about it.

I think a big part of how you feel about your day depends on attitude. Choosing to have a positive attitude can make all the difference. Situations can be crappy, but if you have a positive attitude (not fake-positive, but just positive) things will go that much better. At least that's what I think =]