Daydreaming or ... something else?

I watched the mid season finale of Covert Affairs last night and the last scene was a fairly adorable one involving a guy and a girl starting a relationship and kissing. The scene lingered with me for the rest of the evening and even into today. I would catch myself thinking about how cute it was or replaying it and thinking "someday."

But really, that will probably never be a real 'someday.'
As women we often look to or create these fantasy scenarios in our brains for how relationships should be, how guys should look or act, what the perfect kiss will be or when. We often just call this daydreaming, but in reality it may in fact be harming us and our future or current relationships.

I'm going to be honest here: I don't know how the rest of the world thinks of pornography, but here is my opinion.
Pornography is harmful to not only the people who watch it, but also the relationships those people are in, will be in and have been in. Pornography is a huge issue and most certainly a leading cause in the immorality and impurity of our nation.

Now, that being said, women (and I am most certainly included in this), these fantasies we linger on and create I truly believe are our own form of pornography. They can have similar effects: they produce unrealistic expectations for you and your partner and ultimately leave you empty and hurting. Now, I'm not saying that it's exactly the same. For men, it is more of a visual or physical thing, or so I am told, but for women, it's emotional. We want to be that girl, feel that way, have that man's arms around us to be loved like that. We want that scenario. We set such high expectations that cannot be reached that we never get that emotional high.

 So, now what do we do? Stop watching chick flicks? Turn off the TV, stop reading books, put down the magazines? Well, maybe, for a little if that's what we need to do to get our minds back, but it doesn't have to be forever. What I'm saying is we have to be mindful. How much play time are we giving this stuff? Are we simply watching a movie or reading a book or are we living through the characters on the screen and in the pages? Think about it.


This is more for myself than anyone else. If anyone else can benefit as well, then it is an added bonus.

Another Fiji Flashback ... God's Love!

I had another Fiji flashback today during worship at church. I remember sitting in the grass on Taveuni and just feeling the love of God in every moment, in the beauty all around me. I felt beautiful sitting in the presence of his love.

Each night with the few hours of electric we had after it got dark (at like 6pm) we as a team would have a time of worship. We pulled out an old keyboard, grabbed the guitar and began singing together in a time of spontaneous praise to the Lord. For several nights in a row we sang a song that simply goes like this:

"Let it rain
Let it rain
Open the floodgates of heaven"

We sang it over and over 20 or 30 minutes of just begging the Lord to pour out his blessings and his love on the island.
This morning at church we sang this song. Immediately I was back in the little house praising God with my teammates.

What amazed me this morning is that for the first time since that time in Fiji almost 5 years ago I truly knew that that type of close relationship with the Lord is possible in "real life." Life off the island seemed bland in comparison. I never thought I could get back to the level of relationship with God that I had then away from that kind of bubble experience. That time was so set apart for the Lord that I never thought I could get back to that place apart from it.

As so many other times, God proved me wrong. He showed me my life now and reminded me that yes it's different from that time in Fiji but our relationship is even more developed than it was. I feel like I'm doing a terrible job of explaining it but what I mean is that you and I can achieve the mountain top experience in our every day life. Our relationship can grow stronger in our daily life by spending time in his word and prayer. Sometimes it even goes beyond that time when we're in the bubble because it's real and applicable.

Another flashback was to the waterfall. We took a day to visit one of the waterfalls in the rainforest. It was a day for me that I will never forget. I led devotions that morning and encouraged my team to dive into his love much like I knew some of my teammates would do later that day. We arrived and I watched in longing at my friends doing what I was momentarily paralyzed to do: make the jump into the literal and figurative pool of the Lord.

God did a work in me that day. It took me a while but I made it to the ledge with the help of a friend and prepared to jump. I backed out of a jump with another friend but a few moments later with just me and God and the water below I took a running leap from the rocks and jumped into the refreshing water.

The words on the screen today were accompanied by this picture. Below it is a picture of the fall in Fiji. They may not look similar in your eyes but in mine they represent the leap that we all must take to trust God and jump into his overflowing love.

So in all, the Lord taught me today that you can break the bubble and go even deeper with the Lord than we ever thought possible - even in your everyday life.

Be encouraged. Take the leap into the pool of God's love.

Remembering the stars

So I've been wanting to write this for a few days now so I figured I would take a quick break from the tiny bit of school work I am doing this weekend and just get it down on paper.

Some nights I really miss my time in Fiji. I don't necessarily miss the bugginess or the humidity, but I miss the simplicity of it all. Late at night when the electricity was turned off, I would sometimes walk outside and just look up at the stars. Thousands of little lights illuminating the ground, so bright I didn't even need a flashlight. There were days -- weeks even -- of no make up, fresh water from the stream showers, hand washed laundry at 6am. Early sunrises and early sunsets with days filled with rainshowers, talks of Jesus and his love and the comfort of friends as close as family. My three most valued possessions were my Bible, notebook (and pen) and the songs coming through my headphones.

I do not miss being away from my family or having no contact with the world beyond the island, but I do miss being disconnected, unplugged, away from the world for a time. Sometimes I truly miss gazing at the beautiful creation around me and marveling at the Creator in a place where nothing else mattered -- just me and the Lord.

I learned so much on that trip. God stretched and grew me in those two months that I spent in the middle of the Pacific. He helped me do things that I never imagined I could accomplish or withstand. I miss the days when I could take the time to sit in the sun and bask in the Savior's presence.

My life here is so different from those two months that I spent amidst the flowers and raindrops -- with new friends and old ones -- living simply to know God and make him known. But it's not a bad different. I'm learning to experience God in new ways -- to fit my schedule around him so that my life can still bring him glory -- so I can still be about the will of my Father.

Although I miss the time with the stars, the raindrops, and the overwhelming love of the Lord, we -- he and I -- are making a new time here. Someday I'm sure I will look back and think on this time and find myself missing now.

Cherish each day. Make the most of it. Make it count for eternity.

Be Renewed

For the first time in a really long time, maybe even ever, I can say with certainty that I am peacefully and joyfully content (and happy really) with who and where I am in life right now. It is not because of anything I have done, but truly due to Christ's grace, mercy, love and provision that I am where I am right now.

Today begins week 4 at New Hope Academy, week 3 teaching. I walked into school today feeling like I am actually teaching now, not just filling in or jumping from one lesson to the next. I have a plan; I have a purpose and a goal. I am loving my job.

I've suddenly found myself working and functioning comfortably in this new chapter of my life: adulthood. I think for a while I was pretending I fit in, but now I finally feel settled in this new phase. I am owning it, rather than looking up at it and trying to reach it.

I attended my first Women's Bible Study this evening. We are working through a book and video series called Brave by Angela Thomas (I think, it's not right in front of me so I'm not positive). The first week is about how we as women are worn out. For once in my life, I do not feel worn out, ironically. Talk to me tomorrow and that may be very well different, but tonight, as I said, I am comfortable, relaxed and content. But I understand where she is coming from and the issues that arise, because I have had my fair share of worn out days -- even at the ripe age of 22. She talked about ways to overcome or trade in our exhaustion and weariness for life and renewed strength. Without realizing it, God had been teaching me these very principles all summer long. I felt a familiar reminding tonight as I listened and took notes eagerly on what she had to say. Isaiah 40:31 says that those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. When we put our hope truly in the Lord, he makes the exchange from weariness to new strength. When we enter into his presence, he welcomes us with a fresh energy and new life. There was more to it than that, but even just those two simple thoughts are often lost in our busy busy lives.

Sometimes it takes us getting to the breaking point to realize we need God's renewing strength and mercy, but other times, thankfully, he simply reminds us gently.

I am grateful for the Lord's renewing strength. I experienced it just recently as I recovered from a sinus/ear infection and headed back to school after a relaxing, yet productive weekend. Despite the end of summer and the waiting chapter coming to a close, I find God still teaching me similar lessons, only now he is expanding them and showing me how they fit into the new context. I rejoice that he is my strength and my hope and that I don't have to do anything on my own. Through him, I can do all that he has called me to do. I can rest, be renewed and go on serving him in this new chapter of life that he has brought me into.

Be encouraged, friends. God is right there ready to renew your spirit and give strength to your heart and soul.

Blessings.

God is faithful!

So I'm laying here trying to figure out how to convey all that has happened this summer as the miracle that it is and I realize that I can't. There is no way for me to express to you just how impossible all the pieces were to fit together without the work of a miraculous God.  But I will try ...

At the very end of April, I had my very first real-job interview. It was for an English as a Second Language (ESL) position at a little charter school called New Hope Academy. I had done some research on the school before I applied and was extremely impressed with its philosophies, vision and mission. I rocked the first interview. I don't know how, but I did. The principal was extremely impressed, but I never heard anything from them.

At the beginning of the summer, I had probably applied to over 50 positions all over the country. Filling out applications was my day job. That and waitressing. I had a few more interviews here and there, but none as good as that first one. One day while at work, I received a voicemail. Upon checking it I found that it was New Hope once more, now interested in interviewing me for an English position. Apparently the ESL position had put on hold. I went to the English interview and blew it. I knew that my answers were not what they were looking for and on the way home I just knew that was not the position I would be getting. The letter came in the mail two days later.

I continued on my journey of applying and interviewing. I received an offer in Texas (which you can read about in my previous post). I went back and forth trying to make a decision, but finally chose to decline the offer. At that point it was August and school was starting in about two weeks. I had finally received my English certificate, but my clearances were out of date and my ESL certificate was put on hold from the state. Frantically, I began putting pieces in motion to rectify those final elements, but I knew it could take a while.

Out of the blue, I get a call for an interview at New Hope Academy once more. The ESL position was back on track. I showed up an hour early because I had the times mixed up and when I finally went back at the correct time, I ran into teachers and administrators who were cheering me on in the position. I finally met the head of the school and had a pleasant interview, but I still didn't have my ESL certification.

I spent the next day with my phone glued to my hand waiting for a phone call. I was so sure that I was going to get the position. Five o'clock came and there was no phone call. I took a nap and woke up only slightly less depressed than when I fell asleep. I decided then and there two things:
1. I was going to get on all the sub lists that I could in hopes of next year getting a position
2. I was going to thank God anyway, despite the circumstances

I spent all weekend waitressing and praising God. I realized that God is still good even if things do not go the way I want them too. I had been listening to a song called "Thank You" by 33 Miles and that was the message behind it. So I began praising and thanking him anyway ... and applying to substitute.

Monday rolled around and I turned in some subbing applications after finally receiving my last clearance. My dad suggested that I call New Hope just to touch base because I hadn't heard from them. I called and the principal said they had made an offer to their first choice. I cried the whole way home (I was running errands). I finally opened up to God. I told him I was tired of not being the first choice, of not being the special one, but that I accepted it because I knew he has a perfect plan. Despite my tears, despite my pain, I trusted that God was leading me in the way he wanted me to go.

Tuesday I continued to keep the ball rolling. I received an email telling me that my ESL certification had been approved. After so many years of working toward becoming certified, I finally saw it happen. I praised God and thanked him for his faithfulness.

Wednesday rolled around and I prepared the remainder of my substitute applications. I just needed the results of my TB test the next day and then I was planning to drop off the application packets at various local districts. 3pm came and I started getting ready for work. My phone rang "You Lead" by Jamie Grace, my tone for any number not stored in my contacts. New Hope Academy offered me a position. I was shocked, but completely at peace. God had lead me to that place and I knew it wholeheartedly. Everything had just fallen into place in the nick of time. ESL cert., clearances, TB test and a ready and willing heart.

Even recounting it, I can't put it all into words, and yet I am still amazed at all God did to bring me to this place. Tomorrow afternoon I begin my journey on the New Hope staff. I am overjoyed and so excited. God is so good! Even when my faith falters, he is always faithful!

Be encouraged, friends!

Everything is bigger in Texas ...

... the cars, the roads, the decisions and especially the sky.

This summer I've been on a journey of finding the right first job of my teaching career. I've spent countless hours and reams of paper writing essays, filling out questionnaires and mailing a very basic summary of myself to districts in Pennsylvania and other states in our nation. I've had a total of 15 interviews (2 more to be added by the end of the week) and one job offer ... that I turned down.

On a Tuesday afternoon I got a call from a principal in Texas City, Texas that I had a phone interview with a few weeks earlier. He was offering me an English and ESL position in his high school. He gave me until Friday to make up my mind and so I began to contemplate the idea of moving to Texas. I was determined to take the job ... until I began discussing it with my family.
The next day I came home from a doctor appointment and my dad told me to be ready in half an hour to head to DC to fly to Texas. I was still coming out of the anesthesia, but agreed. We flew out of Dulles that evening. With a brief stop-over in North Carolina, we made it to Houston around 11 where the heat of the day was still evident in the evening breeze.

The next morning in the shower I was hit with just how crazy it all seemed. My family, friends, my life was all back in Pennsylvania and here I was debating a move to the other part of the country. I met with the principal and other staff members in the midst of apartment hunting. I came out extremely torn. I loved the school and staff, and the thought of my own classroom was both exciting and frightening at the same time. Dad and I searched for one more place, but before we found it, I made my decision: Texas wasn't for me. We spent the rest of the day seeing the sights and enjoying some delicious Tex-Mex. We were back on a plane by 11am the next day.

Back in Lancaster, I keep thinking back to my time, about how it could have been different, if maybe I gave up to quickly, but I'm confident that I made the right choice for me now.
I thought now was the time to make a jump -- to do the crazy adventure thing -- but not just yet. Someday I hope to take that leap of faith, someday when I have someone to do it with me. Until then, I'll find little adventures in this part of the country. I did however learn two important things on this little excursion:

I thrive on the support and company of those I love and I'm okay with that.
and
The sky is a thousand times bigger in Texas.

A stirring in my soul ...

There's something strange going on inside of me: a sudden stirring in my soul.
It's as if somehow my spirit knows it's summer: a time to create and be free from all the constraints of homework, lesson planning and grades.
It feels as if I'm on the brink of something about to happen: a story to unfold, a new adventure to embark.
It's as if I am preparing for something spectacular: I don't yet know what it is.

There's a tingling in my soul: so strong I can't deny it.
I'm holding my breath: getting ready for the stomach lurching jump ahead.
I'm about to take off into the unknown: soar or sink, I'm going.
It's summer: the breeze in my face, the flowers in my eyes, and the sweet melody of the trees.

I'm taking off and not looking back: plunging into the future ahead.
I'm twirling through dreams: splashing in puddles, intertwining fingers, and movies after dark
I'm immersing myself in new worlds: words floating off the pages of all the books I have yet to enjoy.
I'm setting aside time to see where this stirring, where this tingling takes me.

Graduation Celebration

I celebrated my graduation today.

It's been one week since I walked across the stage in Millersville's stadium on that lovely hot Saturday morning. The feeling of hearing my name called and recognition of all that I had done and the honors which I had received was more than I thought it would be. It was my first trip across a graduation stage and possibly my last. Who knows what God has in store for me in the years to come!

Tonight my neighbor and I (who is also a recent graduate) celebrated our accomplishments together with friends and family. We lined the sidewalks with jars filled with sand and candles, created a playlist to carry us into the dark hours of the night, and talked for hours with the people love and cherish. It was truly a beautiful evening and a wonderful way to celebrate all the accomplishments we've made over the past season in life.

What's next you may ask? Well, I'll be honest -- I'm not quite sure. I've been praying a lot lately and am really just trusting God with my future -- for real. I don't know what's coming down the pipe for the fall. I am applying and interviewing and praying for God's direction. That's it. That's all I really can do.

I am in a time of transition. I said goodbye to my sweet sweet students a little over a week ago and I'm still looking ahead to what's coming next. I hate transitions and I usually feel like I'm faltering, but I'm getting through it. With God at my side, I'll get through this period of waiting and standing still and hopefully then enter into a new phase of life: adulthood.

I am looking forward to all that is ahead. I will be working at a local restaurant and deli called Isaac's for the summer and possibly into the fall if I don't find a teaching job. I'm hoping to write a lot and actually feel as if I've accomplished something even in this time of waiting. I've already read like 5 books since student teaching ended and have an extremely long list of more that I hope to get through before August.

Life is at a crossroads, but God is good and will always see me in the right direction! =)

Growing Up

Okay everyone knows that I am growing up and "getting old" to which one very confused child responded "it doesn't look like it. "

It was with said children that I realized how incredibly close my real life adulthood was. It hit me as I was bouncing a ball and talking about sick baby dolls that I am graduating from college in three weeks from yesterday. I don't think I can convey to you the excitement and finality of this epiphany. My mom told me today that upon graduation I will be one of only a handful of women in my family to receive their bachelors degree.

The opportunities of my real life are endless. And that's exactly what it is: my real life. Once I graduate real life starts. I'll most likely move out of my parents' basement, get a job and begin the phenomenon of paying my own bills.


I'm not exactly sure why it only hit me tonight, and to be honest, the feeling of epiphany has kind of died down again, but still, it's just interesting. The future is bright and I'm walking boldly, confidently into it with the guidance of my Lord. We'll see what happens. I'll keep you posted. =)

Oh hey, remember me?

So, yes, it has been a really long time. Like over a month. So weird.

Anyway, the irony in the matter is that I am facing at this very moment the exact same thing I was dealing with when I wrote my last post. I don't know if I want to teach anymore.

I spent too much time today playing the what if game and staying inside my head, when in reality, this whole thing here ... yeah, not about me. It's about the kids I teach on a daily basis, the impact of me in the classroom has on their lives. It doesn't matter if I like it or want to do it forever or not, they deserve my very best.

I was reminded tonight that I don't have to figure out a year from now, heck, I don't even have to figure out a few weeks from now. All I have to do is take one day at a time. God promises to see me through. I know he hears me, I know he listens and he's there working in my life, guiding me through every moment. That's all that's important. The book of Matthew says something important. He quotes Jesus as saying "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." This is the verse I keep reminding myself of today. Don't worry about tomorrow; it will work out. Just focus on today and get through it. God will take care of the rest!

What if ...?

So, what if I don't want to teach?
What if what I always thought I wanted to do really isn't what I want to do anymore?
What if I don't know what I want to do?
What if I do know what I want to do but I'm too scared to figure out how to make it work?
What if what I really want to do goes against everything I ever really thought I wanted to be?
What if I want something more?

I don't know if I'm scared because I'm finally coming into my last semester of college and I'm afraid I can't do it, or if I really did miss it before and no longer want the same things that I did when I was younger.

Tomorrow is exactly 4 months before I graduate from college. It's time to start seriously evaluating the question of "what do you want to do when you graduate?" I think I'm more frightened than I ever thought I would be. Or maybe frightened isn't the right word. I think I'm feeling my insecurities -- I think I may be "feeling" too much.

There's this program I looked into that allows you to teach overseas for a period of time yada yada yada ... and I really liked it and wanted to pursue it, but that was back in the summer. Now, as I get more and more emails from them highlighting their programs and encouraging people to apply, I'm not sure if the timing is there. It's something I've wanted to do ... and something I still want to do, but maybe not right away. I think what the biggest issue at the forefront of my freaking out is that I can't really apply until like May. In my perfect little head of mine, I was hoping to have a plan set and in place by May -- I think I'm a little too high strung.

But all my life I've had a plan. I've known exactly what I wanted to do and the timing I wanted to do it in and although little details change here and there, pretty much I've had the same picture in my head for years. Now, although I can still see that picture, I don't know if I like it so much anymore. I have different desires, different passions. I think I'd still love to teach, but in what context? Where does writing fit in? How about a family? I'm laying here freaking out because I want to do what I'm most passionate about, and I don't know what that is anymore. Two of my three ideas I can control, I can decide to pursue, the other one, well you kinda need two people to make a family.

I can't believe I'm finally growing up. Seriously, I'm scared out of my mind and if I were a swearing person there is a phrase that fits this situation much better, but to stick to my morals I'm going to refrain -- but I'm sure you get the idea.

I just read this amazing book about this amazing girl who's doing amazing things that she loves and I'm thinking to myself ... I want to be like that. I want to know for a fact that I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing, something that I love and something that I can have an influence on. I know God has a plan and a purpose for my life, I'm just wondering if the path is taking a sharp curve in the near future.

Oy. Sorry for the rant, I just needed to get that out.

Season 2 at Pawn Starz

The first thing I do after the door is unlocked while my uncle is resetting the alarm is run to the thermostat. It's different now that it's winter. Instead of turning the fan on and dropping the temperature, I frantically push the up arrow until the screen reads 70 degrees. I wrap my sweater just a little bit tighter as I walk to the back and unlock the two interior doors and reach over golf clubs and cardboard boxes to flip on the lights. Keeping my jacket pulled tight around me, I make a round through the store, making sure everything is still in its somewhat chaotic order. I check my DVD's -- my project for the few short weeks while I'm here -- all in place, no spaces left between the cases.

Through the door, I see the green pick up truck pull into the parkinglot. Jerry's here; time to open. Lester saunters through the door with his oversized sweatshirt, beanie cap and smile already on his face. "Mornings" are exchanged as I flip the closed sign to Open! Reaching over the new ATM, I pull the tiny chain to light up the purple and green neon sign. I wander back through the side aisle, past the golf video game and flip on the case lights. With customers already pulling open the door, it's time for my coat to come off -- unfortunately.


At 11:30, the thermostat still hasn't reached its designated 70 degrees, but we've had several sales, and even bought some gold. The TV's on the table are blaring stories of sports events and happenings as they prepare for one bowl game or another. Red Bulls are popped, first round of cigarrettes smoked, so now we wait for the early afternoon rush.

The guys here have become a family: Jerry, Steve, Lester, Jason, Uncle Doug and now Jenny's been added to the mix. Each has their schedule, their responsibilities and work together in unison, keeping the shop running smoothly and effectively. I miss these guys when I go home. Lester occasionally tags me in some pictures of the shop and I get this kind of homesickness feeling in the pit of my stomach while I anxiously await the next time I can skip, tightly bundled or not, into the store and prepare for yet another day spent at Pawn Starz.