So every first Friday of the month, Lancaster opens its streets to artists of all sorts. The galleries stay open late and all kinds of people come out to check out downtown life. It's great! This first Friday, (which just so happens to be April Fools' Day--cringe) Millersville University is having a poetry reading in its downtown location, right in the midst of most of the galleries. I've decided to participate. I'm pretty stoked.
I'm also really kind of nervous. I don't think I've ever participated in a poetry reading in front of this kind of crowd. Sure, I read my free-writes aloud in class sometimes and we had a fake coffee house in 8th grade, but this is different. I feel like I'm part of something bigger that I am contributing my poetry to, and somehow I don't feel adequate.
Someday I dream of having something published. Whether that be fiction, poetry, articles, I'm not quite sure, but still, it's a "someday" dream. This is a step in that direction. Verbally sharing my poetry with the literary world is kind of a daunting leap. There is something about reading your works aloud. If someone reads it to himself/herself and if they don't like it then they just put it down and go on to the next one. That won't be the case tomorrow. I will be literally standing up facing an audience who is judging me based on my work (they might say they're not, but really, they are). I'm just freaking out a bit. I'm not saying my work is fantastic or putting myself above anyone, but really, sharing anything with other people who do the same things you do, is kind of scary!
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm going to go through with it. I'm really excited for it overall, but I am nervous. I put on a face that says I'm not and that I love sharing my work (which I do) but it doesn't take away from the fact that this is a new step for me...
... one that I am sure I will be very glad to have taken -- when it's over. =]
31 March 2011
29 March 2011
Chocolate Ice Cream Before Bed
My peers continue to amaze me. Week two of being secretary of the Creative Writers' Guild was smashing! I love the club even more than I did a week ago and find myself astonished that I did not leave campus until close to 11pm today. To be around people with similar creative goals and interests is invigorating. It pushes me more and more to be a better writer, to branch out and be original, to be the best that I can be. Ah! I love writing communities!
When I got home, my brother was the only one awake. His mustache (for mustache March) fully grown but the blonde hairs allow deception to overtake the eye ... anyway, that was off topic. I walked into the computer room where he was playing on iTunes and out of nowhere he tells me he asked this girl to prom. What? you mean I don't have to beg to find out?! Holy wow. I ask the typical sister questions of how, when, where, etc and he proceeds to tell me the story. I was shocked. I love little brother-sister moments like these ... they remind me of when we were younger and best friends. I'm so proud of him! He did well. =]
I then scoured the kitchen for a late night snack as I am always hungry when I come home from a night class. I found Turkey Hill Dutch Chocolate ice cream sitting in the freezer, barely opened. Score! Perfect end to a wonderful day. (oh, and this doesn't even include the fact that I crossed all but one thing off my 10 item to-do list for today!!) Yay!
We have good days and we have bad days ... today was DEFINITELY a good day! =]
When I got home, my brother was the only one awake. His mustache (for mustache March) fully grown but the blonde hairs allow deception to overtake the eye ... anyway, that was off topic. I walked into the computer room where he was playing on iTunes and out of nowhere he tells me he asked this girl to prom. What? you mean I don't have to beg to find out?! Holy wow. I ask the typical sister questions of how, when, where, etc and he proceeds to tell me the story. I was shocked. I love little brother-sister moments like these ... they remind me of when we were younger and best friends. I'm so proud of him! He did well. =]
I then scoured the kitchen for a late night snack as I am always hungry when I come home from a night class. I found Turkey Hill Dutch Chocolate ice cream sitting in the freezer, barely opened. Score! Perfect end to a wonderful day. (oh, and this doesn't even include the fact that I crossed all but one thing off my 10 item to-do list for today!!) Yay!
We have good days and we have bad days ... today was DEFINITELY a good day! =]
28 March 2011
More isn't always better
I spent the weekend at the Eden Resort in Lancaster with a bunch of other "Women Leaders" on campus. Don't get me wrong, I respect and admire everyone who planned, spoke and made the retreat the success that it was, but sometimes more is not always better.
Friday night we started out on campus in the gym. We played games and got to know the ten members of our "team" fairly well, although, I doubt I could remember all ten by name now. We then traveled en mass to a building close by that probably none of us had every been in. Dinner was fantastic and we played a few more "get to know you" games. It was a blast. I was actually really excited for the next two days when I left that night.
My alarm going off bright and early on Saturday made me reconsider. We got to the Eden and spent all but three hours (maybe 4) between 9 and 8:30pm listening to speakers. They were fantastic lectures and messages, but really? 7 speakers in one day with very little audience interaction is EXHAUSTING. People were falling asleep and I felt really bad for the women who were in front of our sleepy audience.
Sunday morning was a bit better, but starting off right away with a relaxing lecture was detrimental as well, especially after the late night most of us had. The speakers were much more interactive on Sunday and there was only 4 of them.
My question remains, why not break up Saturday with some activity, or at least with some of the lectures that were more interactive. I felt like I got the most out of Sunday just because I was able to process it better due to less information bombarding my brain. I feel awful saying that because the Saturday speakers were amazing and I related a bit more to them than the ones on Sunday, but the overload was just too much.
So ... Note to self: More is not always better, and college age students, for the most part, especially girls, do NOT do well before 9am, 10 if they were up late.
But the weekend was fantastic, nonetheless =]
Friday night we started out on campus in the gym. We played games and got to know the ten members of our "team" fairly well, although, I doubt I could remember all ten by name now. We then traveled en mass to a building close by that probably none of us had every been in. Dinner was fantastic and we played a few more "get to know you" games. It was a blast. I was actually really excited for the next two days when I left that night.
My alarm going off bright and early on Saturday made me reconsider. We got to the Eden and spent all but three hours (maybe 4) between 9 and 8:30pm listening to speakers. They were fantastic lectures and messages, but really? 7 speakers in one day with very little audience interaction is EXHAUSTING. People were falling asleep and I felt really bad for the women who were in front of our sleepy audience.
Sunday morning was a bit better, but starting off right away with a relaxing lecture was detrimental as well, especially after the late night most of us had. The speakers were much more interactive on Sunday and there was only 4 of them.
My question remains, why not break up Saturday with some activity, or at least with some of the lectures that were more interactive. I felt like I got the most out of Sunday just because I was able to process it better due to less information bombarding my brain. I feel awful saying that because the Saturday speakers were amazing and I related a bit more to them than the ones on Sunday, but the overload was just too much.
So ... Note to self: More is not always better, and college age students, for the most part, especially girls, do NOT do well before 9am, 10 if they were up late.
But the weekend was fantastic, nonetheless =]
23 March 2011
Food for thought.
A friend of mine said something to me today that stuck with me throughout the evening. He said, "Well, at least you know that God wants you to be alive." Now, this might sound a little strange, but I had just told him about how I almost got run over by a jeep while crossing the road to the library. It really wasn't that close, just strange. A girl and I started crossing and apparently this jeep was going pretty fast because by the time he put his breaks on he was only a few feet away from the cross walk. He started swerving due the rain on the pavement. The girl and I froze until he had stopped, but I was just thinking that he should have just kept going. We weren't in his lane yet, but whatever. I probably should have said that I almost caused a jeep to crash, but that's not the point.
So anyway, his words just got me thinking. As long as we are still alive, still breathing, still waking up each morning, God wants us to be alive. He has a plan and a purpose for our lives and it didn't include dying in the past 24 hours. I think then we can also say, that when we do die, it is exactly the time that God had planned. I'm not saying that God wants us to die or that he caused the tragic deaths that we so often hear about, but just that, he knows the times and the places for the events of our lives: birth to grave.
How often do I forget this life changing piece of information? If he knows where I'll be tomorrow and my every heartbeat, why do I worry so much? If I follow his footsteps, he's sure to lead me to the right places. =] Okay. That's my thought for the night. =]
So anyway, his words just got me thinking. As long as we are still alive, still breathing, still waking up each morning, God wants us to be alive. He has a plan and a purpose for our lives and it didn't include dying in the past 24 hours. I think then we can also say, that when we do die, it is exactly the time that God had planned. I'm not saying that God wants us to die or that he caused the tragic deaths that we so often hear about, but just that, he knows the times and the places for the events of our lives: birth to grave.
How often do I forget this life changing piece of information? If he knows where I'll be tomorrow and my every heartbeat, why do I worry so much? If I follow his footsteps, he's sure to lead me to the right places. =] Okay. That's my thought for the night. =]
For your enjoyment ...
Okay so I revamped one of my posts from a few nights ago, the one about sleep. I am using it for my writing class tomorrow. I just thought I'd share in case anyone was interested in how it turned out =] Enjoy! I know I did! =]
An ode to sleep: a terrible, yet welcomed friend
I lay in bed, room dark, only the ticking of my clock to be heard. My thoughts are racing, going over tomorrow's activities and required events. I jump from my midterm to thinking about scheduling, to wondering when I'm going to get the rest of my homework done. Maybe if I just stop thinking …
It seems to be working. I can feel my eyelids getting heavier. Maybe, just maybe … ahh forget it!
Oh sweet sleep,
why do you evade me so?
You play with my emotions,
make my eyes droop,
yet cause my thoughts to race.
You escape my clutches once again.
You are such an evil friend.
Tomorrow when I rise
you will be pleasantly curled in my possession,
but alas,
I will have to let you go.
Oh these silly silly games you play.
When I desire of nothing else,
but your sweet, glorious rest,
you are not to be found;
yet, when I must give you up,
you gracefully lay within my reach.
Oh how I wish you would just cooperate
and that our friendship could be sweet,
but ‘tis not your way.
Forever I will be chasing
your swirling dreams and peaceful slumber;
my hopes of someday
are to catch you for good.
22 March 2011
I wore heels today.
It's amazing how little things can literally make or break your day. I started off this morning dead tired. I almost overslept. That could have been REALLY bad. I decided to wear these awful dress pants that don't really fit (in more ways than one) and consciously broke my rule of never wearing heels on a day when I have to go to school.
In the car on the way to work I realized two things. 1. I forgot to grab breakfast as I ran out the door (I usually eat a FiberOne bar on break around 10:30 as I don't have time to sit down with a bowl of cereal anymore) and 2. I forgot to put on mascara. I put on eyeliner, 3 shade eye-intense shadow, but no mascara.
I got to work and spent most of the morning sorting flashcards. That part wasn't so bad. Actually work itself wasn't so bad, kinda fun really. I ran to McDonalds on break and grabbed "brunch" -- a meal that would be both my breakfast AND lunch ... unfortunately. Did I mention I was exhausted all morning?
I pulled into a spot on campus, with the trapped heat warming me in my car, all I wanted to do was recline my seat and fall into a deep sleep. But I decided to do the right thing and head to class. Without my large diet dr. pepper to sip on, I spent most of the class in a dreamlike state. I checked the weather to see if I could claim it as a reason not to stay for my night class. No luck. As I completed the work for my 4pm class, I schemed in my head ways to leave school early.
Arriving early at my next class, the last of two buttons popped off my awful dress pants. I collected it as my trophy for the day. Then everything changed.
It's amazing what having friends can do. Seriously. Three weeks ago, I probably would have stayed in my funk all night or found someway to head home (probably a faked illness or something), but due to an awesome classmate making me laugh all through my next class and well into my evening class, I managed to change my mood around. Dinner with more friends and a joint discussion on our crappy days actually gave me more energy and increased my spirits dramatically.
What was better was that we only had about an hour and 15 minutes of night class. We then headed off to hear a lecture from a current writer (whose name I currently forget). I laughed all through his amazing speech and left feeling as though I am a writer, even though I may not be published or pursuing a career in the subject. I like to write and do so on a regular basis, therefore I am a writer.
And what luck! I was headed to a Creative Writers meeting! =] It was the second meeting of a group of students trying to form an official club. I fit in perfectly and even was named Secretary of the newly founded group. Although it mainly consisted of technicalities, it was fun and a great time.
I came home and curled up at the foot of my parents' bed to talk to my mom for a bit before she called it a night. I then had a bowl of multigrain cheerios (my favorite cereal EVER!) and 2% milk which we never have which made me immensely happy because it just tastes better.
Now, here I am writing out my day and realizing I didn't do the end justice. Literally, my day totally flipped after my first class. I went from wishing I was curled up in a ball to having the time of my life. It's the combination of all the little things throughout your day that determine whether it was a success or not. How you handle them, well that's just up to you =].
In the car on the way to work I realized two things. 1. I forgot to grab breakfast as I ran out the door (I usually eat a FiberOne bar on break around 10:30 as I don't have time to sit down with a bowl of cereal anymore) and 2. I forgot to put on mascara. I put on eyeliner, 3 shade eye-intense shadow, but no mascara.
I got to work and spent most of the morning sorting flashcards. That part wasn't so bad. Actually work itself wasn't so bad, kinda fun really. I ran to McDonalds on break and grabbed "brunch" -- a meal that would be both my breakfast AND lunch ... unfortunately. Did I mention I was exhausted all morning?
I pulled into a spot on campus, with the trapped heat warming me in my car, all I wanted to do was recline my seat and fall into a deep sleep. But I decided to do the right thing and head to class. Without my large diet dr. pepper to sip on, I spent most of the class in a dreamlike state. I checked the weather to see if I could claim it as a reason not to stay for my night class. No luck. As I completed the work for my 4pm class, I schemed in my head ways to leave school early.
Arriving early at my next class, the last of two buttons popped off my awful dress pants. I collected it as my trophy for the day. Then everything changed.
It's amazing what having friends can do. Seriously. Three weeks ago, I probably would have stayed in my funk all night or found someway to head home (probably a faked illness or something), but due to an awesome classmate making me laugh all through my next class and well into my evening class, I managed to change my mood around. Dinner with more friends and a joint discussion on our crappy days actually gave me more energy and increased my spirits dramatically.
What was better was that we only had about an hour and 15 minutes of night class. We then headed off to hear a lecture from a current writer (whose name I currently forget). I laughed all through his amazing speech and left feeling as though I am a writer, even though I may not be published or pursuing a career in the subject. I like to write and do so on a regular basis, therefore I am a writer.
And what luck! I was headed to a Creative Writers meeting! =] It was the second meeting of a group of students trying to form an official club. I fit in perfectly and even was named Secretary of the newly founded group. Although it mainly consisted of technicalities, it was fun and a great time.
I came home and curled up at the foot of my parents' bed to talk to my mom for a bit before she called it a night. I then had a bowl of multigrain cheerios (my favorite cereal EVER!) and 2% milk which we never have which made me immensely happy because it just tastes better.
Now, here I am writing out my day and realizing I didn't do the end justice. Literally, my day totally flipped after my first class. I went from wishing I was curled up in a ball to having the time of my life. It's the combination of all the little things throughout your day that determine whether it was a success or not. How you handle them, well that's just up to you =].
21 March 2011
It's often the little things in life ...
I love when the time comes at night when I can curl up on my black and white checkered sheets, scrunch my matching pillow under my chin and wind my beautiful quilt around my limbs. It's even better if I have time to pull out my computer, open a blank screen and write. It gives me a chance to unpack the events of my day.
Today was particularly interesting. After the few hours of sleep I retained (broken up by strange dreams of TV shows I had watched prior to homework), I spent most of my day yawning and wishing for my wonderful bed. I was so exhausted at one point that I contemplated taking an evening nap. I knew I would regret it so I settled for my favorite characters on NCIS. I vegged. A lot. I hardly ever feel that I have time to watch TV anymore, but tonight, that was almost all I did -- until about 9pm when I decided to wake up and get interesting.
Isn't it strange that at the time everyone else is settling into bed, that it is the last thing I want to do? I think it has something to do with the fact that I spend most of my day away from my family that when they are all home (which is usually only around the time when they're all heading to sleep) I want to spend as much time with them as possible. I love to talk to my mom, but it seems that the only time we have are the few moments when she's finishing up her work before she heads upstairs. Monday nights are the worst because depending on how the week goes, I could literally not really have another face-to-face moment with her until Friday (usually there are a few moments after my night classes where I catch her, but she heads to bed shortly after I get home -- some weeks I don't get home until after she's asleep).
My family is my treasure. For the past 2 years, I've spent my days milling through people that I don't really know. I am just finally starting to know a few people which improves my days above simply bearable. When I come home to my safe haven with my parents and siblings (if they're in a good mood) it feels like coming home should feel. I love that I have this time with my younger siblings who are growing up all too fast, even if we do fight every once in a while.
So the lesson? Well, there's two:
1. I never know where my writing is going to take me. I start off thinking about writing and my day and end up in the midst of my family.
2. I thank God for my family. Some days, they're all I have.
Today was particularly interesting. After the few hours of sleep I retained (broken up by strange dreams of TV shows I had watched prior to homework), I spent most of my day yawning and wishing for my wonderful bed. I was so exhausted at one point that I contemplated taking an evening nap. I knew I would regret it so I settled for my favorite characters on NCIS. I vegged. A lot. I hardly ever feel that I have time to watch TV anymore, but tonight, that was almost all I did -- until about 9pm when I decided to wake up and get interesting.
Isn't it strange that at the time everyone else is settling into bed, that it is the last thing I want to do? I think it has something to do with the fact that I spend most of my day away from my family that when they are all home (which is usually only around the time when they're all heading to sleep) I want to spend as much time with them as possible. I love to talk to my mom, but it seems that the only time we have are the few moments when she's finishing up her work before she heads upstairs. Monday nights are the worst because depending on how the week goes, I could literally not really have another face-to-face moment with her until Friday (usually there are a few moments after my night classes where I catch her, but she heads to bed shortly after I get home -- some weeks I don't get home until after she's asleep).
My family is my treasure. For the past 2 years, I've spent my days milling through people that I don't really know. I am just finally starting to know a few people which improves my days above simply bearable. When I come home to my safe haven with my parents and siblings (if they're in a good mood) it feels like coming home should feel. I love that I have this time with my younger siblings who are growing up all too fast, even if we do fight every once in a while.
So the lesson? Well, there's two:
1. I never know where my writing is going to take me. I start off thinking about writing and my day and end up in the midst of my family.
2. I thank God for my family. Some days, they're all I have.
Sleep evades the tiredest of us all ...
You would think that after approximately 3 hours of glorified paper writing and a good deal of stressing out, I would have basically zero energy left and desire only to collapse into bed and fall into a deep sleep. If that isn't enough to make me wish for sleep, then perhaps the fact that my alarm is going off in just over 5 hours ... hmm? shouldn't that make me tired? Well, the answer to both is no. I lay in bed, room dark, only the ticking of my clock to be heard, and my thoughts are racing, going over tomorrow's activities and required events. I jump from my midterm to thinking about scheduling to wondering why our professor is not a very nice person, to wondering when I'm going to get the rest of my homework done for Tuesday. I decided organizing it all here in type might help me to drowsy up a bit.
I think it's working. I can feel my eyelids getting heavier. Oh sweet sleep, why do you evade me so? You play with my emotions, make my eyes droop, yet cause my thoughts to race and escape my clutches once again. You are such an evil friend. Tomorrow when I rise you will be pleasantly curled in my possession, but alas, I will have to let you go. Oh these silly silly games you play. When I desire nothing else, you are not to be found, when I must give you up, you gracefully lay within reach. Oh how I wish you would just cooperate and that our friendship could be sweet, but tis not your way. Forever I will be chasing your swirling dreams and peaceful slumber, with the hopes of one day to catch you for good.
I think it's working. I can feel my eyelids getting heavier. Oh sweet sleep, why do you evade me so? You play with my emotions, make my eyes droop, yet cause my thoughts to race and escape my clutches once again. You are such an evil friend. Tomorrow when I rise you will be pleasantly curled in my possession, but alas, I will have to let you go. Oh these silly silly games you play. When I desire nothing else, you are not to be found, when I must give you up, you gracefully lay within reach. Oh how I wish you would just cooperate and that our friendship could be sweet, but tis not your way. Forever I will be chasing your swirling dreams and peaceful slumber, with the hopes of one day to catch you for good.
17 March 2011
Time flies ... =]
Hmm ... it's interesting to see how fast life goes sometimes. I've been doing a lot of reflection lately, not really on purpose, but it just comes up because of some of the writing I am doing. I can't believe I'm 21. I remember playing house in our basement and wishing I was 17. Sometimes I still feel like I'm 17, and other days I think I'm 35. It's awesome how God is always faithful to bring us through good times and trouble into the place we are right now.
It really hit me this week that I will most likely be graduating in a year. Up until about the beginning of this week, I had been content to take an extra semester because I thought I had no option. Now that I realize it is possible for me to graduate on time, I'm kind of freaking out. I feel the speed of life more surely than ever before. I'm excited as well. For the first time, I think I will actually feel like a part of my age group/class. I've always been one step ahead or one step behind and knowing that I will be graduating with them is more exciting than I thought it would be.
I didn't walk at my high school graduation. I was in Fiji during commencement having graduated early to do mission work for the second semester. I didn't think it bothered me, and it really didn't. I would not change my decision for anything, but now that I'm looking at the prospect of participating in commencement with people that I actually know (finally I have friends!) I am so stoked! haha.
I don't know if it's the weather or the fact that I'm finally socializing beyond just a conversation in class, or even just the fact that I feel on track -- maybe it's a bit of all three -- but I just feel like I'm on top of the world. Which means I need to be careful because usually a quick decent follows this feeling. For now though, I will rejoice in the Lord and praise Him for this wonderful time in my life! =]
It really hit me this week that I will most likely be graduating in a year. Up until about the beginning of this week, I had been content to take an extra semester because I thought I had no option. Now that I realize it is possible for me to graduate on time, I'm kind of freaking out. I feel the speed of life more surely than ever before. I'm excited as well. For the first time, I think I will actually feel like a part of my age group/class. I've always been one step ahead or one step behind and knowing that I will be graduating with them is more exciting than I thought it would be.
I didn't walk at my high school graduation. I was in Fiji during commencement having graduated early to do mission work for the second semester. I didn't think it bothered me, and it really didn't. I would not change my decision for anything, but now that I'm looking at the prospect of participating in commencement with people that I actually know (finally I have friends!) I am so stoked! haha.
I don't know if it's the weather or the fact that I'm finally socializing beyond just a conversation in class, or even just the fact that I feel on track -- maybe it's a bit of all three -- but I just feel like I'm on top of the world. Which means I need to be careful because usually a quick decent follows this feeling. For now though, I will rejoice in the Lord and praise Him for this wonderful time in my life! =]
15 March 2011
Trying something new ...
So, nonfiction is NOT my forte.
That being said, you might be interested to know that it is my goal to enter a Creative Nonfiction writing contest through NCTE (don't ask me what it is, I forget -- something to do with education). I've pondered what to write about and even started a piece, but it doesn't have enough pizazz. I think I might have come up with something, but I feel like I've exhausted the topic already. I want to write something meaningful, that will have sparks and be worth writing. Because narratives are more of my strong point it would probably be best to do something with a story line, but I don't want it to be normal or boring.
All of this being said, there is a very good chance that I am going to post some sections as I complete them for feedback. So if you would be so kind as to let me know your thoughts (about this post and any others to come) I would be very appreciative! =]
I know this one is short, but I want to keep going with what I've started and see what happens. Talk to you soon!!
That being said, you might be interested to know that it is my goal to enter a Creative Nonfiction writing contest through NCTE (don't ask me what it is, I forget -- something to do with education). I've pondered what to write about and even started a piece, but it doesn't have enough pizazz. I think I might have come up with something, but I feel like I've exhausted the topic already. I want to write something meaningful, that will have sparks and be worth writing. Because narratives are more of my strong point it would probably be best to do something with a story line, but I don't want it to be normal or boring.
All of this being said, there is a very good chance that I am going to post some sections as I complete them for feedback. So if you would be so kind as to let me know your thoughts (about this post and any others to come) I would be very appreciative! =]
I know this one is short, but I want to keep going with what I've started and see what happens. Talk to you soon!!
13 March 2011
I guess I'm growing up ...
Well, I'm home safe and sound. Break is officially over. Now for the serious side of the semester.
Midterms, research papers, projects and presentations: they are all pretty standard second half of the semester kind of things. This year however, there have been a few more added to my plate. Scheduling sounds like a fairly common occurrence, but this time there is a lot more that goes into it.
When I transferred from Grove City College to Millersville, I made the jump from a private school to a state school. Normally, this ensures better 'bang for your buck' in tuition and more varied classes; however, with the PA governor's new budget, it's looking like state schools are about to lose some of their best selling features. This semester, scheduling doesn't just signify what classes I'm going to take at what time during the day, I now have to figure out what term to take them and how many I can squeeze into one. With the potential for tuition to go through the roof, I have to decide how much time I want to take to get through school and what I'm willing to do to make that happen. Should I try to cram them into as little time as possible and take a class every term offered before tuition skyrockets or should I stick to my original plan and try to come out of college with my head still on straight? Both options will most likely require some outside financing as well. Where do I look? What kind of loan? What is the best place to borrow from? All these questions and more are what greeted me this evening upon arriving home and preparing for school and reality tomorrow.
Any hopes of waking up less tired than I did today just went out the window.
Midterms, research papers, projects and presentations: they are all pretty standard second half of the semester kind of things. This year however, there have been a few more added to my plate. Scheduling sounds like a fairly common occurrence, but this time there is a lot more that goes into it.
When I transferred from Grove City College to Millersville, I made the jump from a private school to a state school. Normally, this ensures better 'bang for your buck' in tuition and more varied classes; however, with the PA governor's new budget, it's looking like state schools are about to lose some of their best selling features. This semester, scheduling doesn't just signify what classes I'm going to take at what time during the day, I now have to figure out what term to take them and how many I can squeeze into one. With the potential for tuition to go through the roof, I have to decide how much time I want to take to get through school and what I'm willing to do to make that happen. Should I try to cram them into as little time as possible and take a class every term offered before tuition skyrockets or should I stick to my original plan and try to come out of college with my head still on straight? Both options will most likely require some outside financing as well. Where do I look? What kind of loan? What is the best place to borrow from? All these questions and more are what greeted me this evening upon arriving home and preparing for school and reality tomorrow.
Any hopes of waking up less tired than I did today just went out the window.
12 March 2011
Death: a double edged sword.
Death, though sometimes the best option, is never welcome to those it leaves behind.
My grandmother lost her oldest brother this evening. He had been ill for quite some time, but to his family, it still felt like a thief stealing something precious. This was the third sibling my grandmother has lost in the past 3 1/2 years. I've been with her when she got the news for each of them. Her strength in these circumstances is admirable; I honestly do not know how she manages to keep going after receiving news like that.
I found out a few more branches of my family tree this evening in response to this loss. My grandma was one of 9, originally, but only grew up with six. Her eldest brother, Michael, died as an infant. Then came Ed (who just passed this evening) and Dodo (who passed a year ago). Next was Irene, Leroy (who died somewhere between ages 10 and 12 due to internal injuries), and Paul. Ronnie was the first of the series of three who passed in these recent years, and then it is my grandma and her youngest sister, Dawna. I was privileged enough to know the seven who survived into adulthood, but not well (with the exception of my grandma). My grandma is closest with her sisters and I'd have to guess that when Dodo died, she took it pretty hard.
I've been fortunate so far in life to not have to go through many losses of people I love, though there have been a few. It is always a sad event, even if you were not close, you were probably close to someone who was close to them. Death can be a relief to the person who dies, as we hope they are in a better place, but it can be absolutely devastating to those who are left with the hole. I do not envy my grandma in this time, and only know that it will be God alone who gets me through a time when I have a loss of my own.
My heart goes out to those who have lost loved ones today, for I believe it has been a very large number. My prayers for you are that God will see you through this time, and that you will continue to see his faithfulness, even if it is not apparent at this awful moment. Amen.
My grandmother lost her oldest brother this evening. He had been ill for quite some time, but to his family, it still felt like a thief stealing something precious. This was the third sibling my grandmother has lost in the past 3 1/2 years. I've been with her when she got the news for each of them. Her strength in these circumstances is admirable; I honestly do not know how she manages to keep going after receiving news like that.
I found out a few more branches of my family tree this evening in response to this loss. My grandma was one of 9, originally, but only grew up with six. Her eldest brother, Michael, died as an infant. Then came Ed (who just passed this evening) and Dodo (who passed a year ago). Next was Irene, Leroy (who died somewhere between ages 10 and 12 due to internal injuries), and Paul. Ronnie was the first of the series of three who passed in these recent years, and then it is my grandma and her youngest sister, Dawna. I was privileged enough to know the seven who survived into adulthood, but not well (with the exception of my grandma). My grandma is closest with her sisters and I'd have to guess that when Dodo died, she took it pretty hard.
I've been fortunate so far in life to not have to go through many losses of people I love, though there have been a few. It is always a sad event, even if you were not close, you were probably close to someone who was close to them. Death can be a relief to the person who dies, as we hope they are in a better place, but it can be absolutely devastating to those who are left with the hole. I do not envy my grandma in this time, and only know that it will be God alone who gets me through a time when I have a loss of my own.
My heart goes out to those who have lost loved ones today, for I believe it has been a very large number. My prayers for you are that God will see you through this time, and that you will continue to see his faithfulness, even if it is not apparent at this awful moment. Amen.
10 March 2011
Giving up control ...
I'm at a point in my life where several of my friends are in serious relationships/getting engaged/getting married. I can't believe I'm this old already! haha.
Most of my life I've envied those of my friends who had boyfriends, gone out on dates and had guys that liked them. I felt like most of my time was spent either trying to get a guy to like me or trying to get myself to stop liking him.
Nowadays, I'm doing my best to just avoid either action. Believe me, I am definitely similar to probably 99% of the female population when I say that yes, I would love to be in a relationship right now; however, I differ when I say that I'm not really going to do anything about it, even if I like a particular guy.
Each and every day I have to remind myself that when God's timing is right then he will bring the right guy into my life in the right way. Despite my new attitude on the subject I still find myself thinking way too much about it and sometimes even venturing down the road of trying too hard, but at least I'm attempting to change.
Sometime (I'm not sure when exactly) between the end of my freshman year of college and now I decided to be serious about God taking over this part of my life. He should be in control of my entire life, not just parts. So I made a promise, if you will. Basically I told God, and still do on a regular basis that I'm through with screwing up this area of my life (believe me, I've had more than a few mess ups). If his plan includes me having a boyfriend, getting married, etc., then I want it to be His way or no way. I'm through with trying to be in control. Again, it's a daily reminder kind of thing, but I'm trying.
Sometimes I'm afraid that if I choose the wrong guy one more time, my heart will never go back together again, which is just one of the reasons why I'm through with trying it my way. Fortunately, I don't think I'm too late; God can still take this area that I've royally screwed up and turn it around for good. I just have to trust Him and wait on His timing.
Despite all of this, I definitely DO rejoice with all of my friends who have reason to celebrate! I see God working in their lives and am happy that they are following His path for them so faithfully! =]
Most of my life I've envied those of my friends who had boyfriends, gone out on dates and had guys that liked them. I felt like most of my time was spent either trying to get a guy to like me or trying to get myself to stop liking him.
Nowadays, I'm doing my best to just avoid either action. Believe me, I am definitely similar to probably 99% of the female population when I say that yes, I would love to be in a relationship right now; however, I differ when I say that I'm not really going to do anything about it, even if I like a particular guy.
Each and every day I have to remind myself that when God's timing is right then he will bring the right guy into my life in the right way. Despite my new attitude on the subject I still find myself thinking way too much about it and sometimes even venturing down the road of trying too hard, but at least I'm attempting to change.
Sometime (I'm not sure when exactly) between the end of my freshman year of college and now I decided to be serious about God taking over this part of my life. He should be in control of my entire life, not just parts. So I made a promise, if you will. Basically I told God, and still do on a regular basis that I'm through with screwing up this area of my life (believe me, I've had more than a few mess ups). If his plan includes me having a boyfriend, getting married, etc., then I want it to be His way or no way. I'm through with trying to be in control. Again, it's a daily reminder kind of thing, but I'm trying.
Sometimes I'm afraid that if I choose the wrong guy one more time, my heart will never go back together again, which is just one of the reasons why I'm through with trying it my way. Fortunately, I don't think I'm too late; God can still take this area that I've royally screwed up and turn it around for good. I just have to trust Him and wait on His timing.
Despite all of this, I definitely DO rejoice with all of my friends who have reason to celebrate! I see God working in their lives and am happy that they are following His path for them so faithfully! =]
Late night ramblings of a nervous mind ...
Not being able to sleep is an interesting phenomenon. Whether caused by caffeine, a late afternoon nap, nervousness or excitement, it tends to be an annoying occurrence for its victims. Unfortunately, this is one such night where I have fallen victim to this strange, but all too frequent ailment. I am sitting in my grandparents' darkened house with merely the glow of my computer screen and the ticking of clocks as company.
I'm headed to Grove City tomorrow.
This statement is not one that I've uttered for almost a year and a half and brings with it some interesting side effects. I am both excited and nervous to be visiting the campus of my dream school and first year of college. I miss it almost every day. For reasons I am not going to explain on here, I transferred home after a year of excitement, adventure and life lessons. I've only been back once since the day I moved out.
I can still picture the college as it was that year: green and picturesque with tall buildings that were grayed from the students that passed through their doors year after year. I remember the grasses that were framed with the tan cement sidewalks and the black iron gates that decorated the garden. I can still picture the chapel, proud with its rows and rows of wooden benches filled with drowsy students every Tuesday and Thursday morning. I can still hear the peacefulness of the campus.
I'm anxious to return, mostly to see friends and relive some memories, but there's part of me that hopes my return will dash to pieces this fantasy land I've created it to be in my head. I still have dreams of going back; not metaphorical dreams, but literal when I close my eyes and fall asleep kind of dreams, and the "what if game" has become a weekly habit as well.
Yes, I miss it, but no, I don't regret my choice. I know without a doubt that God wanted me home for this time in my life. It wasn't about being too young or naive, or even about getting homesick or wanting to be with my family. There is a much bigger picture of whose edges I am just beginning to glimpse. So, for now, I look forward to tomorrow, but with the same breath thank God that it is only just "tomorrow."
Now if only I could get some sleep ...
I'm headed to Grove City tomorrow.
This statement is not one that I've uttered for almost a year and a half and brings with it some interesting side effects. I am both excited and nervous to be visiting the campus of my dream school and first year of college. I miss it almost every day. For reasons I am not going to explain on here, I transferred home after a year of excitement, adventure and life lessons. I've only been back once since the day I moved out.
I can still picture the college as it was that year: green and picturesque with tall buildings that were grayed from the students that passed through their doors year after year. I remember the grasses that were framed with the tan cement sidewalks and the black iron gates that decorated the garden. I can still picture the chapel, proud with its rows and rows of wooden benches filled with drowsy students every Tuesday and Thursday morning. I can still hear the peacefulness of the campus.
I'm anxious to return, mostly to see friends and relive some memories, but there's part of me that hopes my return will dash to pieces this fantasy land I've created it to be in my head. I still have dreams of going back; not metaphorical dreams, but literal when I close my eyes and fall asleep kind of dreams, and the "what if game" has become a weekly habit as well.
Yes, I miss it, but no, I don't regret my choice. I know without a doubt that God wanted me home for this time in my life. It wasn't about being too young or naive, or even about getting homesick or wanting to be with my family. There is a much bigger picture of whose edges I am just beginning to glimpse. So, for now, I look forward to tomorrow, but with the same breath thank God that it is only just "tomorrow."
Now if only I could get some sleep ...
08 March 2011
Waiting ...
This is a poem I wrote for my writing class toward the beginning of the semester. I've wanted to share it on here, but I didn't know when. Today seems like a good day to do it. Enjoy!
Waiting …
I don’t really care.
Yes you do.
If you didn't
you wouldn’t be
looking over your shoulder,
checking your phone,
Sitting alone
Waiting …
for him to walk through the door.
If you didn’t care
you’d be playing games
engaging in conversation
catching up with weekly friends.
Not
sitting here alone
Waiting …
for him to notice.
You do care.
Just admit it.
That’s the reason you’re here.
Not for kids,
not for games,
not for any deeper level spirituality.
You’re here
to sit alone
and Wait
for the boy
who will never …
walk through that door
and Wait for you.
07 March 2011
Video Games
This is my little rant for the evening ...
Okay. So I have nothing against video games as a whole. I actually think they can be kind of cool, when they're used in group settings or if you're sick or something.
However. I do have a problem with them in a few specific situations.
1. Shoot 'em up games. Please inform me why we are encouraging the youth of our world to play games where the SOLE purpose is to kill people. There are games where that is the goal: to see how many guys you can kill. I don't understand. We already have enough issues with violence, and yes I know that probably the majority of people who play these games will not be affected by their content, but still, what about those few people who are?
2. When nothing else can hold your attention. Seriously, guys often have a hard enough time focusing on the matter at hand without a controller beneath their fingers. It has been my experience that when someone is playing video games they are oblivious to everything else going on around them, and yes, that can be said for other things too like TV and computers, but that's not my point this evening.
3. When it becomes obsessive. Every spare moment is spent with the controller and the games and things get left undone or forgotten because they just want to play "one more game." Again, I know it can and does happen with other venues as well, but they are not the subject here.
Like I said, overall, video games are cool. I've had plenty of fun times playing WiiFit games with friends and laughing until I cried. I've also enjoyed a few rounds of Super Smash Brothers, Mario Party and even Crash Bandagoot (sp?), but when I see young men (and even some women) ignoring their responsibilities and putting all of their time and energy into games that are often more harmful than good, it tends to irk me just a bit.
Technology is a huge blessing, but it can also be a very large obstacle that we need to overcome. I don't know about you, but everyday I have to check myself to make sure that God is still on the throne in my life and that I haven't let technology or anything else of this world overtake that place.
Be encouraged, friends; my intent was not to harm, but to shed a little light on a subject I feel strongly about! Thanks for reading!
Okay. So I have nothing against video games as a whole. I actually think they can be kind of cool, when they're used in group settings or if you're sick or something.
However. I do have a problem with them in a few specific situations.
1. Shoot 'em up games. Please inform me why we are encouraging the youth of our world to play games where the SOLE purpose is to kill people. There are games where that is the goal: to see how many guys you can kill. I don't understand. We already have enough issues with violence, and yes I know that probably the majority of people who play these games will not be affected by their content, but still, what about those few people who are?
2. When nothing else can hold your attention. Seriously, guys often have a hard enough time focusing on the matter at hand without a controller beneath their fingers. It has been my experience that when someone is playing video games they are oblivious to everything else going on around them, and yes, that can be said for other things too like TV and computers, but that's not my point this evening.
3. When it becomes obsessive. Every spare moment is spent with the controller and the games and things get left undone or forgotten because they just want to play "one more game." Again, I know it can and does happen with other venues as well, but they are not the subject here.
Like I said, overall, video games are cool. I've had plenty of fun times playing WiiFit games with friends and laughing until I cried. I've also enjoyed a few rounds of Super Smash Brothers, Mario Party and even Crash Bandagoot (sp?), but when I see young men (and even some women) ignoring their responsibilities and putting all of their time and energy into games that are often more harmful than good, it tends to irk me just a bit.
Technology is a huge blessing, but it can also be a very large obstacle that we need to overcome. I don't know about you, but everyday I have to check myself to make sure that God is still on the throne in my life and that I haven't let technology or anything else of this world overtake that place.
Be encouraged, friends; my intent was not to harm, but to shed a little light on a subject I feel strongly about! Thanks for reading!
06 March 2011
SPRING BREAK!!
It finally hit me ... SPRING BREAK IS HERE!!!! I am so excited to not have to go to work or school and just be able to take a week to spend with my friends and family. Now that being sick is no longer on my radar, I can finally relax and enjoy the week. I'm a little less than half way through the semester and this break comes at the most brilliant time.
Monday and Tuesday I have to simply relax and fully recover from my weekend "duel spuel" as my pastor once called it. Wednesday bright and early my best friend and I are headed to visit my grandparents in western Pennsylvania. We're headed up to Grove City college to visit my friends from freshman year and planning to gallivant around Pittsburgh for a while as well. We also plan to go assist my uncle in his shop for a day as well. The excitement is such we can hardly contain it! =] I feel like a geeky middle schooler excited for something simple, but hey, it's often the little things in life that get us through.
What surprises me is that most state schools give a week off for this undefinable "spring break," but give only a few days for Thanksgiving, and nothing for Easter. We all know the stories of the typical "spring break" in someplace warm, and I can't help but think that colleges are encouraging such behavior by handing us a week for no apparent reason. Don't get me wrong, I am EXTREMELY grateful for the time, and I certainly am not saying that this partying behavior is the majority or even the norm; I'm just thinking out loud ...
Unfortunately, my life is such (and probably most college students' lives as well) that if I do not literally FORCE myself to get out of town, my break will not live up to its name. I would spend the week working or running around and would end up more drained at the end of break than when I started. That being said, I'm grateful for the time to get away and just relax! =]
Monday and Tuesday I have to simply relax and fully recover from my weekend "duel spuel" as my pastor once called it. Wednesday bright and early my best friend and I are headed to visit my grandparents in western Pennsylvania. We're headed up to Grove City college to visit my friends from freshman year and planning to gallivant around Pittsburgh for a while as well. We also plan to go assist my uncle in his shop for a day as well. The excitement is such we can hardly contain it! =] I feel like a geeky middle schooler excited for something simple, but hey, it's often the little things in life that get us through.
What surprises me is that most state schools give a week off for this undefinable "spring break," but give only a few days for Thanksgiving, and nothing for Easter. We all know the stories of the typical "spring break" in someplace warm, and I can't help but think that colleges are encouraging such behavior by handing us a week for no apparent reason. Don't get me wrong, I am EXTREMELY grateful for the time, and I certainly am not saying that this partying behavior is the majority or even the norm; I'm just thinking out loud ...
Unfortunately, my life is such (and probably most college students' lives as well) that if I do not literally FORCE myself to get out of town, my break will not live up to its name. I would spend the week working or running around and would end up more drained at the end of break than when I started. That being said, I'm grateful for the time to get away and just relax! =]
05 March 2011
Exhausted.
It's amazing how much one day of being sick can really take out of you.
I woke up yesterday with the overwhelming urge to vomit, and vomit I did for hours until there was nothing left in my system. Today, I woke up and that urge was gone, but a new overwhelming feeling had taken over: the feeling of exhaustion.
When your body forces you to dispel everything inside itself, it is physically draining, but that's not all. It's also mentally, emotionally and even spiritually draining. I found myself multiple times yesterday kneeling over the toilet begging God to make it stop. When I was laying in our recliner, I had to force myself to not think about throwing up. As far as the emotionally draining part, well, spending all day at home making frequent trips to the toilet, and missing your brother's first ever performance in a high school production tends to take a toll.
But life goes on ...
Eventually you stop throwing up. Eventually you can stop forcing yourself to think of other things, and eventually your family comes home. After being sick, you have to take it slow. I think of it as God's way of slowing me down a bit. You can't just jump back into life -- believe me, I tried! but you can take tiny steps toward normalcy again. For instance, I am about to head off to closing night of Ben's musical. Tomorrow, I'll wake up (at a normal time) and go to church. Eventually the soreness will fade and Monday morning I will go to work.
Life may stop for a day or so, but it will always restart itself. God is always in control and will always see me through! =]
I woke up yesterday with the overwhelming urge to vomit, and vomit I did for hours until there was nothing left in my system. Today, I woke up and that urge was gone, but a new overwhelming feeling had taken over: the feeling of exhaustion.
When your body forces you to dispel everything inside itself, it is physically draining, but that's not all. It's also mentally, emotionally and even spiritually draining. I found myself multiple times yesterday kneeling over the toilet begging God to make it stop. When I was laying in our recliner, I had to force myself to not think about throwing up. As far as the emotionally draining part, well, spending all day at home making frequent trips to the toilet, and missing your brother's first ever performance in a high school production tends to take a toll.
But life goes on ...
Eventually you stop throwing up. Eventually you can stop forcing yourself to think of other things, and eventually your family comes home. After being sick, you have to take it slow. I think of it as God's way of slowing me down a bit. You can't just jump back into life -- believe me, I tried! but you can take tiny steps toward normalcy again. For instance, I am about to head off to closing night of Ben's musical. Tomorrow, I'll wake up (at a normal time) and go to church. Eventually the soreness will fade and Monday morning I will go to work.
Life may stop for a day or so, but it will always restart itself. God is always in control and will always see me through! =]
03 March 2011
Writing Circle
In my writing class today we had a guest speaker. He's a local seventh grade English teacher and he goes around and does what he calls "writing circles" with various groups of people. He visits prisons, hospitals, rehab centers, youth detention centers, classrooms and a variety of other facilities and asks people to just "tell the truth." He has them start with "I remember ..." and go from there. He told some powerful stories of some of the responses he got. We write for about 5-7 minutes, or however long he feels like letting us go and then he asks if anyone would like to share. While the writer speaks, he jots down notes that show off powerful images, strong points in the writing, patters, etc. and then shares them afterward. We went through this exercise today.
I surprised myself. I wrote something that I probably should have wrote a very long time ago. I'm quickly approaching the two-year mark of my ankle injury. I'm still having complications. Apparently I have a lot of pent up feelings about it. They came out in my writing today. Also, in one week from today I will be visiting what was my dream college all through high school. I went there for a year and then transferred home. Subconsciously, it seems, I question myself on my decision daily. This also came out in my writing.
I found myself not thinking -- just going. Write. Write. Write. He says to write as fast as you can -- keep your hand moving. I haven't been that free in a long time. I knew as soon as I started that I had to share. It was something I had to get out, not just on paper but OUT. Spoken. Release it into the world for all to hear. Afterward I couldn't look at anyone. My soul was bare for all to see; I was exhausted from the effort. My soul slowly closed back up and I realized there was relief there. I had been honest with myself about my emotions and thoughts on these two subjects and now I can move on, really heal, and not just brush over the marks where I was cut. Surprisingly, it was a very powerful few minutes that I was not expecting when I woke up this morning.
Lesson learned? God allows everything for a reason.
I surprised myself. I wrote something that I probably should have wrote a very long time ago. I'm quickly approaching the two-year mark of my ankle injury. I'm still having complications. Apparently I have a lot of pent up feelings about it. They came out in my writing today. Also, in one week from today I will be visiting what was my dream college all through high school. I went there for a year and then transferred home. Subconsciously, it seems, I question myself on my decision daily. This also came out in my writing.
I found myself not thinking -- just going. Write. Write. Write. He says to write as fast as you can -- keep your hand moving. I haven't been that free in a long time. I knew as soon as I started that I had to share. It was something I had to get out, not just on paper but OUT. Spoken. Release it into the world for all to hear. Afterward I couldn't look at anyone. My soul was bare for all to see; I was exhausted from the effort. My soul slowly closed back up and I realized there was relief there. I had been honest with myself about my emotions and thoughts on these two subjects and now I can move on, really heal, and not just brush over the marks where I was cut. Surprisingly, it was a very powerful few minutes that I was not expecting when I woke up this morning.
Lesson learned? God allows everything for a reason.
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